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Narcissistic parents

Apr 19, 2021 | Narcissism

Narcissistic parents

What relationship do narcissistic parents have with their children?
Narcissists and leadership

Narcissists as parents

 

The extent to which parents with narcissistic tendencies are perceived as a problem varies significantly. Offspring are often unaware that narcissism is involved in the idiosyncratic relationship. This article is about this special relationship and what results from it.

Overview

Parents with clear narcissistic tendencies

 

The extent to which parents with narcissistic tendencies are perceived as a problem varies. Offspring are often unaware that narcissism is involved in the idiosyncratic relationship. This article is about this special relationship and what results from it.

 

 

 

Parenting

 

Parents with narcissistic tendencies tend to overvalue their children. They see their children primarily as extensions of themselves. Because they themselves are so incredibly awesome, their children must be as well. How could it be otherwise? These parents elevate their children to a podium. This is how they hope to get indirect admiration. Such narcissists raise narcissists.

If parents overestimate their children’s abilities, they believe they are special and better than other children. They want their children to stand out from the crowd. This is then adopted and thus characteristics are developed that are typical of narcissists.

 

 

 

Do narcissistic parents always lead to narcissistic offspring?

 

Many people with narcissistic parents worry if they themselves are narcissists. The good news is; then probably not! Read more in the article Help, am I a narcissist? 8 clues that you are not a narcissist. However, such experiences do not pass people by without leaving a trace. It often leaves scars and the need to work very carefully on yourself and take care of yourself.

 

 

 

Do narcissists love their children?

 

Especially in coaching, the question is rarely asked so directly, at least not at the beginning. Many of my clients are already parents themselves and in many ways are mature individuals. But the sting sits deep, the question gnaws at the soul. And it does so regardless of whether the offspring is still at the beginning or is already a successful CEO with great influence.

My opinion on this: Neither the understanding nor the behavior of narcissists comes very close to the understanding of love. They attach everything to conditions, it is not about the human being in itself. Narcissists consider offspring at best as an extension of their wonderful appearance on this planet. Expecting genuine appreciation and respect from them makes offspring more susceptible to manipulation and does not lead to satisfaction. It is simply not interesting for narcissists.

 

 

 

Risks

 

As long as narcissists perceive offspring as an extension of themselves they are more generous. If this reason ceases to exist, then there is little reason to hold back. Then narcissistic parents can become extremely mean. Even then, they are convinced it is necessary to make their position clear and to protect themselves. They believe this even when they attack.

 

 

 

Impact

 

Narcissistic parents have consequences. The scars do not heal easily, often never. This can affect interpersonal relationships, professional and personal. The injury to the soul costs quality of life. Depending on how severe the injuries are, positive experiences can contribute to healing.

There is not always enough distance in later years. For example, if there are dependencies and the narcissist’s influence continues well beyond youth. With family businesses, this is a regular challenge.

Either way; get help if you can benefit from it. I offer this in the form of coaching and also as therapeutic help for people suffering from narcissists.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

 

If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. All these possibilities work very well and have already helped many people.

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day.

In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Often a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough.

Every day, I get many inquiries. Some have only one question, others send long question lists, some even call me at night. As much as I would like to help voluntarily, my calendar doesn't allow that anymore. I know, that not everyone has the financial means for professional help. You can then at least use the comment function to discuss issues with other people. Sometimes I also answer questions in the comments. However, the day is full at some point and I ask for your understanding. I am aware of the psychological strain that often results from contact with narcissists.

Help with narcissists

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

 

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Preparing for important conversations and negotiations

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

What do you think about narcissistic parents?

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in group or individual training or coaching.

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: September 28, 2020
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/narzissmus-eltern-kinder-liebe-beziehung/
K:
H:
T: RR
#498

Compassion for narcissists?

Apr 14, 2021 | Career, Leadership, Narcissism

Compassion for narcissists?

Yes or no?
Narcissists and leadership

Narcissists

 

On some occasions, I stand up for people who suffer from narcissistic personalities. Thus, I am frequently asked if I have no sympathy for narcissists. Here is my answer.

Overview

Video

Compassion for narcissists?

Only when you start the video a connection to YouTube™ is established. Please read the notes on data protection.

Compassion for narcissists?

 

In articles, lectures, coaching, therapy, and even consulting for companies, I advocate for people who suffer from narcissists. So I’m asked frequently – sometimes even hostilely – if I don’t feel sorry for narcissists.

 

 

 

Attention

 

Caution: This article is not about diagnosing pathological narcissists, but about avoiding nasty people and not letting them take advantage of you. For simplicity, I call people with clear narcissistic tendencies – whether women or men – narcissists in these articles.

 

 

 

Not so easy

 

The very listing of typical characteristics of narcissistic personalities does not make it easy to feel sorry for narcissists. Narcissists too often leave a mess behind. Narcissists are opportunistic and resentful, they are arrogant and convey inferiority to those around them. Their motto is: “I only defend myself, even when I attack!”. They do not listen or only if they hope to gain an advantage. They know everything better, deceive, cheat, manipulate, stage themselves as victims when necessary and the actual victims as perpetrators. Narcissists are ungrateful, those who do not acknowledge their divinity thus only prove their own stupidity. They expect luxury, even if the pockets are empty, the others should limit themselves. They are dazzlers and behind the facade it becomes disappointing. They expect loyalty without granting any themselves. Morality is only important in terms of not getting caught. Narcissists are even proud when they manage to get away with questionable behavior. Me, me, me. Vanity is common. Criticism is lavishly given, but not accepted themselves. They consider people who follow rules to be stupid. Given the power, they turn out to be bullies.

I could go on for a while about the damage narcissistic personalities can cause. And they very often do. I deal with sufferers on a daily basis and it is painful to listen. Life partners, business partners, investors, employees, … many can sing a song about how much suffering narcissists can create.

 

 

 

Compassion for narcissists

 

Take a breath: as a therapist and empathetic person, I feel sorry for narcissists. Narcissists do not have happy lives; their craving for recognition is a prison from which they cannot escape. It is a punishment for life, narcissism is not curable. But as a therapist I don’t feel called to work with narcissists, I don’t have the impression that this is desired and somehow worthwhile. So other therapists may take care of that.

 

 

 

Decision

 

The people I deal with have often been put in uncomfortable situations by narcissists. And these people I support because they can use and appreciate it.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

 

If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. All these possibilities work very well and have already helped many people.

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day.

In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Often a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough.

Every day, I get many inquiries. Some have only one question, others send long question lists, some even call me at night. As much as I would like to help voluntarily, my calendar doesn't allow that anymore. I know, that not everyone has the financial means for professional help. You can then at least use the comment function to discuss issues with other people. Sometimes I also answer questions in the comments. However, the day is full at some point and I ask for your understanding. I am aware of the psychological strain that often results from contact with narcissists.

Help with narcissists

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

 

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Preparing for important conversations and negotiations

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

Do you have compassion for narcissists?

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: September 28, 2020
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/zu-ist-zuviel-umgang-mit-narzissten/
K:
H:
T: RR
#398

Narcissists in leadership positions

Sep 28, 2020 | Career, Leadership, Narcissism

Narcissists in leadership positions

The first impression is misleading, narcissists cause damage.
Narcissists and leadership

Narcissists in leadership positions

 

Why are so many narcissists in leadership positions and what are the consequences?

Overview

Video

Narcissists in leadership positions

Only when you start the video a connection to YouTube™ is established. Please read the notes on data protection.

Narcissists in leading positions

 

There is a disproportionate number of narcissists in leadership positions. The desire for dominance and the willingness to make the necessary effort to impress relevant people are typical of narcissism. However, the glamorous appearance is deceptive, narcissistic personalities cause damage.

For this article, I am referring to narcissism as defined by a group of personality traits rather than as a clinical disorder per se.

 

 

 

Willingness to take risks

 

A common strength of narcissistic personalities is their uncompromising will to achieve results. Their lack of self-reflection does not allow them to be risk-conscious. This is how they push projects and innovations forward.

 

 

 

Public image

 

Narcissistic personalities spent more time and energy worrying about how they are perceived.

With their appearance, narcissists can be captivating. In good forms or moments, narcissists can succeed in providing orientation and inspiration to other people. Because they pay a lot of attention to their external presentation, they often end up in a leading position.

 

 

 

A high proportion of top positions

 

What actual share narcissists have in the top positions is difficult to estimate. There are many indications that there are a lot of narcissists. The proportion of people with narcissistic tendencies in leadership positions is likely to be well above the overall average in the population. Narcissists actively pursue leadership positions and are likely to be selected by others. They are naturally more status-oriented and value power.

 

 

 

Narcissism and narcissists

 

Their appearance, sometimes perceived as charisma, can be very inspiring. Behind the deceptive facade, however, a difficult person is often hidden. If you read the article 36 indications to identify narcissists you will probably have some aha-moments.

It may be that narcissistic traits, when not extreme, and when balanced by other character strengths, have also positive effects. When narcissism is extreme, combined with other negative personality traits, and when it results in leaders making decisions that put their company, employees, constituents, or followers at risk or mislead them, or when a leader’s narcissism makes him unable to take responsibility or prioritize others’ needs above his own, then the costs of narcissism will outweigh any benefits.

 

 

 

Consequences

 

Someone probably had reasons why a narcissistic personality got into a leadership position. People with narcissistic structures do not only bring disadvantages. Not all narcissists are incompetent. Some projects benefit greatly from narcissists. However, they often cause tremendous damage that is often only noticed after a time delay.

Since they are not able to maintain real relationships of trust and accept feedback, their view is very limited. The lack of social skills and the overestimation of their abilities have consequences.

Organizations may think that there is nothing wrong with having narcissists in leadership roles. But the risks of narcissism are generally underestimated. Even the benefits of narcissism disappear during difficult and complex times and many leaders display much more than a little amount of narcissism. The awareness of the causes and consequences of narcissistic personalities is still lacking.

 

 

 

Narcissists in leadership positions

 

In the beginning, narcissists present themselves as enrichment. They disguise themselves to those people with whom they want to make a good impression, as long as it is beneficial to them. Then they take off their mask more and more often and the damage becomes bigger and bigger. A leader’s narcissism can result in decisions that are at odds with the needs and well being of those affected by these decisions.

Mostly those persons who could intervene are still too dazzled by the self-portrayal and the promises made. If the true character is recognized, it is usually very late.

 

 

 

What to do?

 

What can you do when people in leadership positions turn out to be narcissists?

You could start by looking at the article 30 tips for communicating with narcissists. Dealing with narcissists. Too much is too much!. Then you can look for support in dealing with narcissists. And do it quickly, because it is easier to prevent problems than to correct them. Narcissists are extremely sensitive and never forget even supposed shame. Narcissistic personalities perceive even comprehensible constructive feedback as a personal insult and want to take revenge for such insolence. And yet they know little inhibitions.

 

 

 

Challenges

 

Much of what is useful in other situations for good communication and relationship building exacerbates situations in which narcissists are involved. In interpersonal conflicts, narcissists do not go to work fairly. If they consider it necessary, they also accept their disadvantages. This can cause considerable damage, can ruin drive whole companies and the people involved.

 

 

 

Professional support

 

If you are looking for professional support regarding communication and decision making, feel free to ask me. For legal questions, please contact the appropriate experts. I am here for you to take into account the communicative and psychological aspects.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

 

If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. All these possibilities work very well and have already helped many people.

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day.

In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Often a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough.

Every day, I get many inquiries. Some have only one question, others send long question lists, some even call me at night. As much as I would like to help voluntarily, my calendar doesn't allow that anymore. I know, that not everyone has the financial means for professional help. You can then at least use the comment function to discuss issues with other people. Sometimes I also answer questions in the comments. However, the day is full at some point and I ask for your understanding. I am aware of the psychological strain that often results from contact with narcissists.

Help with narcissists

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

 

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Preparing for important conversations and negotiations

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

What thoughts come to your mind on the subject? Have you encountered narcissists in leadership positions? What experience have you had with narcissists?

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: September 28, 2020
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/zu-ist-zuviel-umgang-mit-narzissten/
K:
H:
T: RR
#398

Help, am I a narcissist? 8 indications that you are not a narcissist

Sep 25, 2020 | Narcissism, Personality

Help, am I a narcissist? 8 indications that you are not a narcissist

Narcissists

Are you a narcissist?

 

Do you wonder if you are a narcissist yourself? Here are 8 indications that you are not a narcissist.

 

Overview

Help, am I a narcissist?

 

Those who have suffered from narcissists and have become aware of the issue tend to have additional concerns. Often the question gnaws at them whether they are narcissists themselves.

This is very common when one parent has strong narcissistic tendencies. In principle, the worry is a good sign, because narcissists do not see this as a problem.

 

 

Indications that you are not a narcissist

 

Probably everyone has qualities in themselves that suit narcissists. Quantity and combination cause toxicity.

Here in a nutshell a few hints that you are not a narcissist:

 

 

 

1. Friends

 

You have honest friends. Your friends may also give you uncomfortable feedback without being removed from your contact list. Narcissists have admirers around them at best.

 

 

 

2. You listen

 

You listen because you care about other people and their needs.

 

 

 

3. Authenticity

 

You are authentic. Narcissists deceive and masquerade when it matters. As trained manipulators, narcissists know how to get their environment to do what they want.

 

 

 

4. You do like people

 

You know, there are also other people who are an enrichment for the world.

 

 

5. You can ask for help

 

You ask other people for help when needed and you let yourself be supported. Narcissists have the wisdom for themselves and accept only stooges and no experts.

 

 

 

6. Benevolence and the ability to enjoy the happiness of other people

 

You can be happy for other people. Narcissists are jealous when other people achieve or possess something that, from their point of view, only they themselves are entitled to.

 

 

 

7. the ability to accept criticism

 

You are willing to admit your mistakes and to apologize honestly. Narcissists do not allow their flawless self to get a dent.

 

 

 

8. Eye-level

 

You meet other people at eye level and can delegate responsibility if necessary. The ability to act as a team player is a clear indication not to have too dominant narcissistic tendencies.

Still no all-clear, tangible relief?

 

Individual criteria that belong to the overall picture of a narcissist can be found in many people. Narcissists, under whom people suffer, usually fulfill a variety or even almost all criteria.

Are you honestly worried about being a narcissist? Then it is highly likely that you aren’t!

Read 36 tips for identifying narcissists and 30 tips for communicating with narcissists. If you want help in dealing with narcissists, you can find more information here.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

 

If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. All these possibilities work very well and have already helped many people.

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day.

In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Often a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough.

Every day, I get many inquiries. Some have only one question, others send long question lists, some even call me at night. As much as I would like to help voluntarily, my calendar doesn't allow that anymore. I know, that not everyone has the financial means for professional help. You can then at least use the comment function to discuss issues with other people. Sometimes I also answer questions in the comments. However, the day is full at some point and I ask for your understanding. I am aware of the psychological strain that often results from contact with narcissists.

Help with narcissists

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

What experiences do have you with narcissists? Do you found signs to have elements of a narcissist?

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: September 25, 2020
Translation: ./.
German version:
K:
H:
T: RR
#339

Narcissists and feedback

Sep 25, 2020 | Communication Skills, Narcissism

Narcissists and feedback

Dealing with difficult personalities
Difficult personalities

Narcissists and feedback

 

People make mistakes and can learn from them. With narcissists this is unlikely. Even to harmless and cautious feedback, narcissists respond as if it were harsh inappropriate criticism. They react offended and insulted because this could damage their self-image. At least inwardly they react angrily. However, anger can also easily lead to significant aggression.

 

Overview

Feedback and narcissists

​

When you express criticism to narcissists, they experience it like a massive physical attack. For narcissists, it feels like the destruction of their own person. Depending on the relationship and context, the reaction is usually very exaggerated. This happens sooner or later. Sometimes the response can happen even much later when you no longer expect it. It can be overt or covert. However, one result is quite certain: narcissists do not forget even accidental attacks. They want revenge at any price.

 

 

 

Is it worth it?

 

Even from your point of view, harmless and constructive feedback will be resented by narcissists. They perceive something like this as an insult and take it personally. So, be careful and exercise extreme tact and sensitivity, just as a bomb disposal expert would.
Before you address issues, think about whether you really want to do this despite the risks. Insight is usually not to be expected from narcissists. Depending on the situation, you should at best expect hypocritical insight, excuses, blame, or emotional reactions such as outbursts of rage.

 

 

 

Emotional reactions

 

Stay calm during outbursts of rage by narcissists. It is part of the preferred behavioral repertoire of narcissistic personalities. Such people know how to manipulate others. Learn to recognize their manipulation techniques.

 

 

 

Caution

 

If, despite the risks, you dare to criticize a narcissist, then wrap it up well. Feed narcissists with a lot of acceptable praise. The subsequent criticism should be given in small doses. Do you find this exhausting? So do I!

In any case, there is one thing you can forget about: changing narcissistic personalities. You won’t bring them to insights or establish a relationship at eye level. These are pointless attempts.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

 

If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. All these possibilities work very well and have already helped many people.

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day.

In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Often a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough.

Every day, I get many inquiries. Some have only one question, others send long question lists, some even call me at night. As much as I would like to help voluntarily, my calendar doesn't allow that anymore. I know, that not everyone has the financial means for professional help. You can then at least use the comment function to discuss issues with other people. Sometimes I also answer questions in the comments. However, the day is full at some point and I ask for your understanding. I am aware of the psychological strain that often results from contact with narcissists.

Help with narcissists

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

 

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Preparing for important conversations and negotiations

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

What experience have you had with narcissists?

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: September 25, 2020
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/zu-ist-zuviel-umgang-mit-narzissten/
K:
H:
T: RR
#339

Therapeutic help for people suffering from narcissists

Sep 23, 2020 | Narcissism

Therapeutic help for people suffering from narcissists

Psychological help for people who have suffered or are suffering from narcissists
Narcissists

Consequences of narcissism

 

Again and again, I help people who suffer or have suffered from narcissists. Mostly it is about preparing communication for problematic situations and making good decisions (on my part of course without legal advice!).

Overview

 

Narcissistic abuse

 

Narcissistic abuse is the term used to describe the harmful behavior of narcissistic people.

Many people still primarily think of violence as physical violence. However, verbal and emotional violence can also cause deep wounds. This is also violence!
Depending on the situation, many affected people hesitate for a very long time until they seek practical, legal, and emotional help.

Possible people to contact are coaches, lawyers, therapists, and counseling centers. Unfortunately, narcissists very often succeed in thwarting such attempts to escape. They know how to assert their interests through manipulation. With appropriate support, it is easier to take good care of oneself. The reward is a fulfilling, self-determined life. The journey to this goal requires courage. It is good to have support.

 

 

 

Mental consequences of narcissistic abuse

 

People who suffer from narcissists have to cope with different consequences. Common consequences include:

 

  • Feelings of guilt
  • Loss of self-esteem and the associated loss of access to inner and outer competencies, talents, and skills
  • Loss of confidence in your own perception of reality states of confusion and emptiness in the head
  • Anxiety and panic attacks
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder with nightmares, jitteriness, escape, and avoidance tendencies.
  • Depression
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorders
  • Exhaustion syndromes like Burn Out
  • Physical symptoms for which no physical cause can be identified
  • Confusion, disorientation, and depersonalization syndromes
  • Antisocial behavioral problems
  • Higher tendency to substance-related addictions (alcohol and anxiety-relieving tablets)
  • Those who have been subjected to narcissistic abuse are more likely to develop an anxiety-preventing, dependent, or narcissistic personality structure or disorder.
  • Chronic states of tension

 

 

 

Therapeutic help

 

As a coach, I support you with your communication and decisions, also in the context of narcissistic personalities. As a therapist, I am here to help you to free yourself from the emotional impact that results from contact with narcissists. I am specialized in anxiety and anxiety disorders.

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

Do you have any questions about narcissism and narcissists?

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: May 20, 2020
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: September 23, 2020
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30 tips for communicating with narcissists. Dealing with narcissists. Too much is too much!

Jul 10, 2019 | Communication Skills, Narcissism

30 tips for communicating with narcissists. Too much is too much! Dealing with narcissists.

When communication might be a little easier ...
Narcism

Communication with narcissists

 

Tips for dealing with people who are overly in love with themselves, with narcissists. They can radiate charm and seem quite nice at first glance; narcissists. Many of them are eloquent, humorous, self-confident and attract attention. But as good as the first impression may be, narcissists expose themselves as egomaniacs. With their unhealthy self-love and egocentrism, they then strain the nerves with their allure. Usually, there is no valuable content behind the packaging, but this is vehemently concealed. How to communicate and deal with narcissists without despair.

 

Overview

Dealing with narcissists

 

Yes, they can radiate charm and seem quite nice at first glance; narcissists. Many of them are eloquent, humorous, self-confident and attract attention. But as good as the first impression may be, narcissists expose themselves as egomaniacs. With their exaggerated self-love and egocentrism, they then strain the nerves of their fellow human beings with their allure. In most cases, the content is not worth the effort of packaging, but it is deceived. 
The beautiful appearance is deceptive and the façade collapses, all just a show. As long as a few admirers can still be found, narcissists won’t stop. They can be entertaining at short notice. Unfortunately, too many people let themselves be deceived, which is why narcissists too often manage to get into positions where they can do some damage.

 

 

 

Narcissists have an exaggerated desire for recognition

 

The exaggerated desire for recognition and admiration is caused by disturbed self-esteem. For such an ego, any stage is too small to be shared with others. Other people have only one right to be present anyway; as admirers!

Narcissists do without empathy. They also renounce any form of feedback towards you. The exception is praise, which is perceived as appropriate recognition. Dealing with narcissists is rarely a joy.

It is a great advantage to recognize such contemporaries at an early stage and to avoid them. However, it may be that a situation requires you to communicate with a narcissist. Therefore, here are some recommendations that can sometimes save you a few gray hairs.

30 tips for communicating with narcissists

 

 

1. Recognize narcissists 

 

The first step is to recognize narcissists as such. Even if a person feels particularly attractive, intelligent or special in some other way, he or she does not have to have a narcissistic disposition.

A healthy portion of self-love, the ability to recognize and consider one’s own needs, self-confidence and self-esteem belong to a sovereign personality. To a reasonable extent, these characteristics are neither harmful nor pathological. The quantity makes the poison.

The most negative characteristics of narcissists are often not recognized as such in the beginning. Only with the time and more frequent contact, they become visible. Narcissists do not want to be perceived as mean, violent, mean, malicious, ruthless or sadistic people. That is why they also press their aggression into socially acceptable forms. Narcissists present themselves from their best side before they turn out to be such. They hide their true intentions behind the façade. And they are usually very good at that.

Narcissists have a disturbed relationship between altruism and egoism, respect and ruthlessness, sensibility and hypersensitivity, especially their sense of self-worth and external value is disturbed. Thus the importance of one’s person is completely overrated, while all other persons are largely meaningless. They overestimate themselves and derive an unrealistic claim to the world from it. They constantly seek admiration, but react hypersensitively to criticism they receive. Empathy towards other people is unfamiliar to them. They think that they are not attacking, but are convinced that they are rightfully defending themselves.

To make it easier for you to recognize narcissists, here is a list with 33 references to a narcissistic personality.

 

 

 

2. Be very vigilant with eyes and ears

 

Be ready to listen a lot and very carefully. While narcissists prefer to talk about themselves, use your ability to read between the lines.

 

 

 

3. Frustration tolerance

 

Expect a low frustration tolerance. Narcissists are hardly capable of criticism and if they express understanding for other people, then it is often only disguised and comes back to you later. Narcissists react very quickly with anger because it is often part of their strategy.

 

 

 

4. Clarity

 

Be very specific with what you want. Offer as little leeway as possible for interpretations that can harm you.

 

 

 

5. Keep the focus

 

Don’t let the show distract you from what you’re about. Narcissists like to impose their rules on their surroundings. So that you do not spend yourself on trivialities, clarify your needs and priorities well. Keep an eye on your goal of the conversation.

Without giving in, it helps to ignore some statements and to react objectively instead of emotionally. Narcissists want to destabilize through provocations and enforce their rules of the game.

 

 

 

6. Motivation

 

Be aware of what your narcissistic interlocutor wants to achieve. Make it clear to him what his benefit is. Address the ego. The things that make narcissists so exhausting can also be used to steer them. Although narcissists themselves are extremely manipulative, their arrogance makes them comparatively easy to manipulate.

 

 

 

7. Expectations

 

They’re not gonna make narcissists right for long anyway. You can be tolerated for a short time. You should not expect more.

 

 

 

8. Beware of meanest things

 

Narcissists are constantly trying to prove that they are the best and greatest in the world. Even that is not enough for them. To appear even bigger, they don’t tolerate competition next to them. So every supposed competitor is fought. In case of doubt, the narcissist will preventively hurt competitors wherever he can. By devaluing other people he wants to appear even bigger and more unique.

 

 

 

9. Pay attention to your good mental condition

 

Make sure you have a good mental condition. This does not directly improve the conversation but reduces the risk of massive attacks. So smile as relaxed as possible and show a lot of patience without making involuntary concessions.

 

 

 

10. Written agreements

 

Opinions can change suddenly with narcissists and the whole effort is lost. Make agreements in writing. Write down everything you require so that you can use the protocols as needed. Narcissists are often very good at twisting things afterward. Therefore, you should confirm agreements in writing. You should not be surprised that you are not met with any sympathy for this.

 

 

 

11. Victim attitude

 

Communication at eye level? Forget it!

Narcissists are never to blame if something goes wrong. And they find more or less creative surprising reasons why others are to blame for something. Don’t let them manipulate you!

 

 

 

12. Unilateral rules

 

What rules? Narcissists act in the illusion that rules do not apply to them. They, on the other hand, have rules for other people, which they often change for their purposes if necessary.

 

 

 

13. Pay attention to your independence

 

Protect your position and take care of yourself. Narcissists are eager to expand their power to impose rules on you.

 

 

 

14. Praise

 

Narcissists are very receptive to praise. Praise when it is appropriate and the narcissist will treat you more kindly. Only he may not have the impression you are exerting influence thereby.

 

 

 

15. Therapeutic offers for narcissists

 

How dare you? Narcissists are perfect, they have no problems, other people have problems. So why should a narcissist be grateful if you want to help him with his behavior? So don’t try to offer narcissists psychotherapy, otherwise, you’ll need help yourself soon.

 

 

 

16. Ask instead of demanding

 

Ask little, expect little. Narcissists are more likely to respond to requests than to demands or even threats. Especially the easily offended type reacts extremely allergic to pressure.

 

 

 

17. Be careful with feedback

 

Direct accusations against narcissists usually end conversations immediately. Even narcissists react to harmless and cautious feedback as if they were harsh attacks. They react offended and insulted because it scratches their self-image. Then it rages internally and doesn’t calm down for a long time. The anger can lead however also easy to clear aggressions.

To escape such unwelcome feedback, they like to surround themselves with submissive people, with flatterers who stabilize their illusions.

 

 

 

18. Don’t count on forgiveness.

 

Narcissists have a good memory for perceived offenses. They don’t forget them for the rest of their lives, and they are looking for revenge. This can make narcissists very dangerous even after a long time.

 

 

 

19. Emotions

 

Apart from the negative emotions typical of narcissists, be vigilant when expressing emotions. Then I recommend caution. Narcissists are very good at pretending emotions when it serves their purposes. Body language is a means of manipulation for them.

 

 

 

20. Apologies

 

You can submit to the narcissist with proven apologies, he will not make a serious apology. Narcissists do not make mistakes themselves.

 

 

 

21. Feelings of guilt

 

Narcissists are anxious to make other people feel guilty. This unsettles other people, silences them and makes them easier to manipulate. Despite the importance of self-reflection, be careful not to get self-doubt installed.

 

 

 

22. Envy

 

Are you happy about success? Whether you have achieved something idealistic or material, narcissists react with envy. If you achieve something, you could distract the audience from the magnificence of the narcissist and that will not be tolerated.

 

 

 

23. Be careful in your choice of words

 

In your formulations, you can orientate yourself on non-violent communication according to Marshall B. Rosenberg. The model helps to keep communication as peaceful as possible. Narcissists, however, always tend to find annoyance, even when there is none.

 

 

 

24. Adjournments

 

If you don’t make any progress on communications, you’d better adjourn. Don’t let tantrums force you to make promises. You would regret that later.

 

 

 

25. Professional quick-wittedness

 

You also don’t have to make it unnecessarily easy for narcissists to have the last word. Maintain your quick-wittedness. Professional quick-wittedness tends to de-escalate and clearly shows limits, without a participant necessarily having to lose prestige.

The wrong form of quick-wittedness can, however, lead to lasting disturbances in the relationship.

 

 

 

26. Avoid narcissists if you can!

 

This is the most important hint: communicate with narcissists when it is not necessary. The otherwise praiseworthy human endeavor to bring about improvement through communication has little chance of success here. With narcissists, you may expect to be insulted, insulted and embarrassed. You fantasize, create confusion to distract you and narcissists can become very aggressive so that you learn through pain to show the expected one-sided respect.

 

 

 

27. Important conversations

 

Prepare important conversations carefully. If the conversation can have significant consequences, professional help is worthwhile. I have often helped to prepare communication with narcissists. A lot of feedback reminds me of how good this helps. For legal aspects, please ask a lawyer.

 

 

 

28. See the good aspects

 

Within certain limits, narcissists can be very helpful. Their assertiveness can also be used for good projects. But even then, the price that the environment pays must not be too high. Be careful!

 

 

 

29. Detecting manipulations

 

Narcissists are masters of manipulation. To avoid their influence it is helpful to recognize their tricks. In own articles, I deal with how you recognize the most common manipulation techniques and how you recognize manipulators.

 

 

 

30. Superficiality

 

Narcissists orient themselves on their benefit and are otherwise rather superficial. Do not expect unselfish interest that is not part of a selfish intention.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

 

If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. All these possibilities work very well and have already helped many people.

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day.

In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Often a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough.

Every day, I get many inquiries. Some have only one question, others send long question lists, some even call me at night. As much as I would like to help voluntarily, my calendar doesn't allow that anymore. I know, that not everyone has the financial means for professional help. You can then at least use the comment function to discuss issues with other people. Sometimes I also answer questions in the comments. However, the day is full at some point and I ask for your understanding. I am aware of the psychological strain that often results from contact with narcissists.

Help with narcissists

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

 

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Preparing for important conversations and negotiations

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. I'd love to hear from you. Please post any questions that may interest other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me by e-mail mail@karstennoack.com, phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56. You can also use this contact form. Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Answers to frequently asked questions can already be found on the homepage, such as the pricing.

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Related articles

 

P.S.

 

What experience have you had with narcissists?

As you can recognize narcissists:

 I have suffered, Jesus Christ has also suffered.
 But now I am well again. - Karsten Noack

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: January 1, 2021
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/zu-ist-zuviel-umgang-mit-narzissten/
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#351116

17 signs that someone is a manipulator

Apr 27, 2019 | Communication Skills, Decision Making, Narcissism

17 signs that someone is a manipulator

Protecting yourself from manipulation
17 hints that someone is a manipulator

Manipulators

 

Not every attempt to manipulate us is obvious. Especially the professional manipulators learn how to hide their intentions. Unfortunately, there are a lot of those manipulators in business and private life. Learn how to recognize manipulators. 

Overview

 

The measure of a man is what he does with power.

Greek proverb

Manipulator

 

Manipulators are unfair and always their focus is on their interests. They’re looking for advantages for themselves even when they are lead to huge disadvantages for others

You can meet a lot of manipulators every day.

 

 

 

17 signs to recognize a manipulator

 

The easiest way to recognize the manipulator is by trusting your gut feeling. With a good portion of self-reflection, you know yourself and therefore you realize an upcoming gut feeling. Because your gut feeling is based on a lot of experience and many factors like body language, it can signalize when it’s time to have a closer look at the intention and behavior of someone.

 

 

 

17 typical signs that someone may be in a manipulator

 

 

1. Liars

 

The most experienced manipulators are well-trained liars. Therefore, they are excellent at hiding their intentions. It was really hard to get done. They know how to hide the typical signs of manipulation.

 

 

 

2. Exaggerated openness

 

Manipulators often behave as if they are very open-minded and willing to reveal everything you ask about. This way, they want to look more honest than they are. So manipulators want to get other people to reveal more about themselves. If they have the opportunity, then they can exploit that for themselves shamelessly.

 

 

 

3. Appeal to the conscience

 

Manipulators often refer to values ​​that are important to their victims. The values ​​are then often used to develop compassion and concern for something in the interests of the manipulator. Who wants to violate his values?

 

 

 

4. Promoting guilt feelings

 

Manipulators do not take responsibility for anything, except when it is beneficial as a trick. In other people, however, they promote guilt feelings. Who has guilty feelings, is more restrained. Anyone who feels guilty does not pay much attention to their own needs, feels obligated. Even the physiology of guilty feelings disturbs the inner balance. And manipulators know how to get us there.

While most people are still researching to find out what a Double Bind is, manipulators are already using it masterfully. If it were not so mean, we could admire such nasty people for their abilities. But such behavior leads to the dark side of power.

 

 

 

5. They appear empathetic

 

Manipulators make compliments that are one size too big, but who cares? Flattery of the ego is gladly accepted. The aftertaste is ignored. If it fits their plans, they are the most pleasant conversation partners. Well-versed manipulators anchor good conditions right from the beginning so that we can enjoy their closeness and goodwill. Then we do not want to miss this anymore. Manipulators close the trap slowly and imperceptibly.

Manipulators know the vulnerabilities of their chosen victims and use them without inhibitions. At first, it may feel as if the manipulator is particularly attentive and interested. But then openness becomes a personal disadvantage.

The less their potential victims practice self-reflection, the easier it will be for manipulators. Those who know their sore spots, let them heal and pay attention to themselves.

 

 

 

6. Twisting the facts

 

Manipulators are twisting the facts so much that we even develop doubts where we were previously safe. The technique of reframing is in their toolbox, and they know to bend the reality in their interest.

 

 

 

7. They stage themselves as victims

 

Manipulators hurt other people and they should apologize for that. Nasty influencers like to make themselves victims. Anyone who stages himself as a victim enjoys some protection. Alleged victims hide as such. It also increases the pressure of observers. Who will be the victim of the common?

 

 

 

8. They make thinking difficult

 

Manipulators do a lot to prevent clear thinking. By doing so, they want to ensure that nobody recognizes their bad intentions. Manipulators use confusion, distraction, and indignation.

 

 

 

9. Egocentricity

 

Manipulators only have their interests in mind. If other people play a role, then only if it serves the interests of the manipulator.

 

 

 

10. The exploitation of good nature

 

Manipulators use good nature. Natural inhibitions are unimportant to them. Even small symbolic concessions are abused by them.

 

 

 

11. Lack of distance

 

Manipulators ignore the healthy need for privacy. They cross borders. In this way, they bring other people out of balance.

 

 

 

12. Authenticity

 

Manipulators know what we want to hear, or what makes us do what they want. It usually takes some time to realize that manipulators are untrustworthy. They do not walk the talk. Statements and actual behavior do not match. Honest people, promises are sacred. Manipulators only know their interests.

 

 

13. Namedropping

 

Manipulators tend to become more important. They use titles, names of famous people they allegedly know and show all kinds of status symbols.

 

 

 

14. False helpfulness

 

They like to appear helpful, but at best they expect a multiple of interest if they help. Everything is just a means to an end and when they have their foot in the door, it starts.

 

 

15. Linguistic fluency

 

Linguistic fluency is quite a valued skill. But it can be abused by manipulators. The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation with language. Clear communication is avoided and the answers to questions are often evasive.

 

 

 

16. Gut feeling

 

We rarely trust the gut feeling, but it often announces quite early when something is wrong. Then often the facts are missing and therefore we do not trust the feeling. It is worthwhile to take a closer look at such cases. The gut feeling is based on experience and takes into account subtle clues that the conscious does not notice.

 

 

 

17. Additional perspectives

 

Involve people you trust and then form your own opinion. Find out who probably do not have your well-being in mind.

 

 

 

How to protect yourself from manipulation

 

To protect yourself from manipulators, it is important to know yourself, your values ​​and priorities. Anyone who can recognize clues about the properties of a manipulator can learn to deal with such people and their manipulation attempts.

How? Read the article Stop it, I hate that: Recognize the 11 most common manipulation techniques.

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

 

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Preparing for important conversations and negotiations

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

How do you recognize a manipulator?

Great Ideas Need Wings As Well As Landing Gear And...

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: June 27, 2009
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: January 1, 2021
Translation: ./.
German version:
K:
H:
T: RR
#189

Recognize the 11 most common manipulation techniques

Apr 16, 2019 | Decision Making, Narcissism

Recognize the 11 most common manipulation techniques

How to protect yourself from being manipulated
Manipulation

This is how you identify manipulation techniques

 

Discover how to recognize manipulation and choose counter-strategies. Here are descriptions of eleven types of manipulation techniques including body language.

Overview

The language is given to man to hide his thoughts.

Charles Maurice de Talleyrand

What is manipulation?

 

The term manipulation has different, sometimes more, and sometimes less negative meanings. This article is about targeted and covert influence aimed at controlling perceptions, decisions, and the behavior of individuals and groups. This can be done with good or bad intentions. Manipulate means for most people to manage or influence skillfully, especially in a manner that seems to be unfair:

 

 

 

What possibilities of protection exist?

 

The first step is to identify the most common manipulation techniques. Then you can choose and use the appropriate counter-strategies.

 

 

 

How can manipulation attempts be identified?

 

The most essential requirement – to protect yourself from manipulation – is to know yourself well. Then you can interpret a possible gut feeling without detours.

We are especially manipulable when we are uncertain. Point!

Okay, I’ll decorate it a bit more, but that’s the core message: Someone who rests in himself is harder to manipulate! Many manipulation techniques are based on sowing doubt, making others feel guilty, or taking advantage of low self-confidence.

 

 

 

The 11 most common manipulation techniques

 

Let’s start with the different manipulation techniques in detail. Which manipulation techniques do exist?

Here is a selection:

  1. The principle of reciprocity
  2. Exclusivity/scarcity
  3. The persistence trap
  4. Herd instinct
  5. The friendship trick
  6. The authority trap
  7. Repetition
  8. Emotional tricks
  9. Selective information
  10. Killer phrases
  11. The fear trap

 

 

 

1. The principle of reciprocity

 

With small favors, other people can be guilty. That’s a popular way of manipulation. Living together is mutual. As long as the principle of reciprocity leads to a largely balanced exchange, everyone benefits from it. Thus, the reflex of responding to a gift with a gift is deeply rooted in many people. However, the connection between giving and take can also be exploited. For example, investing one easy favor on another makes one feel obligated and desirous of reciprocating. Frequently, the response does not correspond to the actual intention in other circumstances.

Unfortunately, the experience of being manipulated in such a way often leads to a profound reluctance to accept a favor from other people in the future.

As with all other attempts at manipulation, coexistence becomes more difficult when people feel manipulated. Too bad, because small gifts are good for human relationships. As long as these mechanisms are not unilaterally abused, the principle of reciprocity benefits everyone.

 

Examples:

 

  • If a small favor of a colleague is accepted there are then inhibitions to reject the request for an inappropriate favor.
  • Beggars with flowers, who first give away a withered flower and then demand a donation, for which one could buy a whole bouquet of fresh spring flowers.
  • A harmless variant that uses the principle: There are higher tips if the waiter puts a candy next to the bill.

 

 

 

2. Exclusivity/scarcity

 

While stocks last! Not only the spectators of the teleshopping channels succumb to the fascination of scarcity. It is easy to get the impression that offers that are almost always sold out must be particularly worthwhile. Otherwise, they would not be so popular, right? The bottleneck is usually homemade to manipulate and make something more attractive than it is. Again, it helps to understand your own needs, instead of being pressured. Reject inappropriate calls without a guilty conscience!

 

Examples:

 

  • Special editions
  • Auctions
  • Sale, special offer, special occasion. The impending loss of freedom to make a decision urges people to choose the option, even if it has not been a priority so far.

 

 

 

3. The persistence trap

 

The “foot-in-the-door technique” entices to take the first step in a certain direction. This happens, for example, by asking for a small favor. This favor serves as a door opener. People are then much easier to persuade. Sometimes it is enough to ask someone to take a look at a task for a moment and then ask them afterward if they take over the task completely. This persistence trap significantly increases the probability that we say yes. People tend to be consistent.

In other words, once a person has taken a commitment, he or she is more willing to comply with requests that are consistent with it. “He who said A must also say B” or “what has been started must also be brought to an end. This often works but is nonsense. Pay attention to your gut feeling; Do you want that?

 

Examples:

 

  • During the Milgram experiment, this principle was also used. Initially, subjects were asked to administer harmless surges. This was then slowly increased, so it was harder to get out.
  • Fundraising collections that ask for a signature and then a donation.
  • Colleagues asking you to read something first and then ask for help.
  • Sales events with friends

 

 

 

4. Herd instinct

 

Holy crap: Billions of flies can not be wrong … Even humans are herd animals. What many others do and approve of is considered proof of correctness. As we know from the lemmings, this is not always recommended in practice. It’s not that easy with group intelligence. So beware of purchased references and peer pressure.

The safer you are, what is important to you, the harder you are to manipulate.

 

Examples:

 

  • Haha! In shallow TV series and talk shows recorded laughter ensures that the audience also laughs.
  • A company describes its product as the best-selling. Well then …
  • “Wollt Ihr den totalen Krieg?” (Do you want total war?) To this question in the speech of Joseph Goebbels of 1943 probably no mentally healthy person would have answered with “Yes”.

 

 

 

5. Friendship trick

 

Pleasant, nice to meet you. For people who are sympathetic to us, it is much harder to deny wishes. That makes use of the friendship trick. It creates a pleasant atmosphere first. This creates a basis for influencing by the manipulator. Experienced observers recognize the overly conspicuous techniques for the promotion of rapport, such as the mirroring of body language, statements, etc.

 

Examples:

 

  • The cliché of the used car dealer in TV series agrees with the customer during the small talk, coincidentally has the same hobbies, etc.
  • Excessive praise.
  • Trying to anchor good states.
  • The exaggerated imitation of verbal language, body language, and statements.

 

 

 

6. The authority trap

 

I am Professor Dr. hc. Trickster.

The authority and the expert trick is based on combining a convincing appearance with credible-sounding arguments that are not always true. This works especially well if we have no authority in the relevant field.

Authority can also be borrowed. Some manipulators hide behind other supposed authorities. This often has the purpose to prevent openly expressed doubts. A particularly striking example of this is the electric shock experiment by Stanley Milgram. In experiments, more than 60 percent of the authority-led participants were willing to administer surgeries to supposed participants who would have been deadly in reality. And that, although the supposed participants groaned after every impulse, screaming in pain and begging, the experiment may be ended. No mercy, the expert said …

Knowledge is power? Yes! So in case of doubt, inform yourself! And that’s especially true when you encounter resistance. How real is the expert status if he refuses to prove the correctness of statements or if we want to inform ourselves? The alarm bells should ring!

 

Examples:

 

  • Acquisition and use of titles.
  • Status symbols like expensive cars, luxury watches, etc.
  • The dentist or the wife of the dentist in advertising for tooth cream.
  • The quality seal of a more or less prestigious institute.
  • The reference to the result of a well-known management consultancy.
  • American scientists have found out …
  • The colleague who claims that the management wants …

 

 

 

7. Repetition

 

Through constant repetition, we can be manipulated. It is often tried to increase the credibility of a statement by the constant repetition as in brainwashing. As the number of repetitions of an assertion tends to increase, the willingness to accept an assertion as true tends to increase. Through repetition, a notoriety effect occurs that causes us to adopt a familiar friendly attitude. Yes, we humans are quite vulnerable.

 

Examples:

 

  • Advertising messages are repeated very often.
  • Brand symbols that are placed at sporting events etc. in as many places as possible.
  • Repetition of messages in presentations.

 

 

 

8. Emotional tricks

 

Appealing to a person’s feelings is often more effective than turning to their reason. Concerns that are likely to fail at the logical level can sometimes be enforced on the emotional level. This is often used to eliminate our logical decision-making ability.

 

Examples:

 

  • Sad photographs at a fundraiser.
  • Horror scenarios in sales talks with the solution by a particularly expensive product.
  • Creating feelings of guilt to reduce self-esteem followed by a request (emotional blackmail).
  • To appeal to vanity.
  • Donation or hell as in the Middle Ages

 

 

 

9. Selective information

 

The exposure or omission of relevant information is very often used for manipulation. Even the line between truth and lies still offers a lot of leeway for liars. Sometimes this latitude is even used with good intentions, but it is a delicate step to the dark side.

Education offers some protection, as well as own research, as far as information is available. Good listening provides unintentional hints. Whereby sometimes the missing statements are more informative than the voluntarily expressed information. The exploration of possible interests of the manipulators also provides clues and urges caution.

 

Examples:

 

  • Propaganda
  • Study reports with predetermined goals
  • Lobbyism

 

 

 

10. The killer phrases

 

Ouch, what a painful argument! Killer phrases are attempts to manipulate individuals or groups by ostracizing any further treatment of a topic. Killer phrases are to be discovered as such and may not distract you. Killer phrases are a taboo!

 

Examples:

 

  • We have always done this way!
  • That’s not possible anyway!
  • That’s none of our business.
  • If I were you, I would say so.

 

 

 

11. The fear trap

 

Even those who consider themselves relatives of Vulcanian Commander Spock are rarely truly objective in their perception and decision making. We, humans, are very guided by feelings. That’s why manipulative people like to foster fears. They exaggerate the unpleasant consequences and if possible give the impression of time pressure. This works particularly well in large groups, in which less swarm intelligence rather than mass hysteria dominates.

 

Examples:

  • It may be too late tomorrow.
  • Imagine …
  • If you don’t accept the chance, who could forgive not acting?

You want to expand your knowledge and skills?

 

If you want to expand your knowledge and skills, come to my training and I’ll show you how to identify, ward off and even use advanced manipulation techniques yourself. I recommend 2 to 5 hours for this worthwhile topic.

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

 

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Preparing for important conversations and negotiations

Just ask me personally

 

Let's get into a conversation. Please post any questions that may be interesting for other readers in the comments. If you are interested in coaching or training, for personal questions about that and appointments you can reach me best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com), phone +49(0)30 864 213 68, and mobile phone +49(0)1577 704 53 56.

Please read the information about the privacy policy.

Contact

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

Do you recognize attempts to manipulate you?

 

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. Albert Schweitzer

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: June 20, 2016
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: May 15, 2020
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/manipulationstechniken-erkennen/
K:
Ü: Review required
#13136

36 indications to identify narcissists

Jun 27, 2016 | Communication Skills, Narcissism

36 indications to identify narcissists

How do you recognize narcissists?
Too much is too much! Dealing with narcissists

Narcissism

 

Narcissists are driven primarily by power, fame, and recognition. That’s not bad, right? If there weren’t so many people with narcissistic tendencies, there wouldn’t be many achievements and world records. However, we would not have to suffer from many disadvantages. As fascinating as narcissists may seem at first glance, they are in reality selfish and emotionally cold. Only their self-pity is boundless. Only the others make mistakes.

In the article, you will learn how to identify narcissists.

Overview

How can narcissists be identified?

 

The more of the following indications are observable, the more likely narcissistic tendencies are present. But please do not exaggerate; everyone has traces of the following tendencies.

 

 

 

36 signs of a narcissistic personality

 

This article is not aimed at diagnosing pathological narcissists, but rather at avoiding nasty contemporaries and not being abused by them.

 

 

1. Inadequate self-esteem

 

The self-esteem displayed seems inadequate in terms of personality, position, and experience. They claim a higher status than the environment wants to grant.

 

 

 

2. Self-interest

 

Narcissists are looking out for their advantage. As long as it gives them an advantage, they can appear nice and engaging. Once such people have reached their goal, this is over. Then it’s time for payback because narcissists have a good memory when it comes to taking revenge.

 

 

 

3. Arrogance

 

Very typical is arrogant behavior. The underlying need for superiority may be well hidden, but it drives narcissists. To achieve this longingly desired superiority, they will try to make their counterpart feel inferior. If you fall into the trap, you feel a little smaller, stupider, and more insignificant next to a narcissist.

For narcissists, everything they say and do is right simply because they say and do it. They expect that every utterance and action is accepted without hesitation as right and as the only truth.

 

 

 

4. Without considering losses

 

Narcissists hurt other people without the slightest inhibition or remorse. This makes such people so attractive for unpleasant tasks and paves their way to higher positions.

 

 

 

5. Striving for power

 

Very often the need is expressed to exert influence and strive for quick success. They usually show they are striving for dominance quite openly. Their choice of words alone makes their claim obvious.

 

 

 

6. Actors

 

If it serves their purposes, they can disguise themselves for a while and even seem more submissive. All the more merciless is their behavior after such an unpleasant phase for them.

 

 

 

7. Bad listener

 

They don’t care about other people’s babble unless it’s compliments. Or they can exploit it for their purposes.

 

 

 

8. Wiseguys

 

The wise guy can do everything, knows everything, …And attacks everyone who notices that it is not true.

 

 

 

9. Masters of the first impression

 

Narcissists are trained to make an above-average first impression. As dazzlers, they invest a lot of effort to impress.

 

 

 

10. Manipulators

 

Deviousness, frequent attempts at manipulation, and control of the environment are very familiar to narcissists.

 

 

 

11. Searches for praise

 

Compliments are requested, if necessary with clear pressure instead of more gentle Fishing for Compliments. Otherwise, they rarely listen properly. Praise may be delivered without substance. Homages are accepted.

 

 

 

12. Poor victim

 

Even if they are richly endowed, it is still insufficient what they receive. The wonderful gift of God deserves more, much more.

 

 

 

13. They exert pressure

 

Narcissists exert pressure. Charmingly and seemingly subtly, they manipulatively convey what they expect from their counterpart, without any possibility of discussion.

 

 

 

14. They are more important than all other people

 

All men are equal, what a fallacy! The presence of a narcissist is a gift for the world around, ordinary people are an imposition. Those who do not realize this, thus only prove their stupidity.

 

 

15. They avoid emotional topics

 

Emotional topics are avoided. Emotions make people vulnerable and that is the last thing narcissists want to be. If it gets too emotional, they quickly change the subject. Narcissists can certainly perceive the feelings and emotions of others. However, they are not interested in the emotional lives of other people to understand them better but to gain an advantage from this knowledge.

 

 

 

16. Unilateral claims for themselves

 

Only the best is good enough for them. They live at a higher standard, even when their pockets are empty. Other people should limit themselves.

 

 

 

17. Masquerade

 

Narcissists aspire to degrees and titles, preferably also doctorates from the Internet. Behind the façade, it often looks very disappointing.

 

 

 

19. Morality is something for others

 

Morale is only important in terms of not getting caught. Narcissists are even proud of it when they manage to get away with questionable behavior.

 

 

 

20. Self-centeredness

 

Me, me, me. Narcissists prefer to talk about themselves and their plans.

 

 

 

21. Talking instead of listening

 

They talk to people instead of with them. The others, the audience, should listen.

 

 

 

22. Critics

 

Criticism is abundantly distributed, but not accepted.

 

 

 

23. Arrogance

 

Narcissists consider people who follow rules to be stupid.

 

 

 

24. Vanity

 

Outstanding vanity is one of the defining characteristics. Narcissists want to be more beautiful than their surroundings, to be admired, and to be flawless. For this purpose, they make greater efforts and invest a great deal of money. Appearances are particularly important to them.

 

 

 

25. No real sympathy

 

Empathy is faked at best. Typical is the lack of real sadness and other emotional involvement. As a result, narcissists are incapable of loving, feeling remorse, or guilt.

Although narcissists are often good actors, attentive observers can see that real emotions are conspicuously rare. However, it requires appropriate knowledge.

 

 

 

26. Intransigence

 

Apologies are expected from other people but not given, because mistakes are only made by others. If you want to upset narcissists and turn them against you, then contradict them. Criticism or even the most constructive feedback is not welcome. If you ignore this, you will soon feel the consequences.

 

 

 

27. One-sided expectations

 

They expect that other people will put their needs aside in their favor.

 

 

 

28. They want to be admired

 

Narcissists are very keen on being admired by other people.

 

 

 

29. They are envious: there can be only ONE

 

Narcissists envy others a lot and think they are envied themselves. Mirror, mirror on the wall, nobody is as great as the narcissist. To achieve this, narcissists do their utmost to outdo others in various disciplines. If an ignorant person is then so insolent and does not respect this claim, narcissists often react with envy and devalue the success of other people with malice and resentment.

 

 

 

30. The supposed source of intelligence and inspiration

 

Their topics are far more important than those of other people. This is why narcissists interrupt their less qualified people in their environment more often.

 

 

 

31. Euphemists

 

If an ignorant person is then so insolent and does not respect this claim, narcissists often react with envy and devalue the success of other people with malice and resentment.

 

 

 

32. Tyrants

 

Equipped with power, the narcissist turns out to be a tyrant. Illusions and prayers of thrust do not change this.

 

 

 

33. Ruthless exploitation

 

For their personal goals, narcissists unscrupulously exploit other people and show overall parasitic behavior in relationships.

 

 

 

34. Difficult relationship with offspring

 

The relationship with their children and grandchildren is special. Here, the typical characteristics of narcissists collide with parenthood and the selfish desire to make their mark on the offspring.

 

 

 

35. The need for control

 

Narcissists avoid anything that reminds them that they may not always have everything in their lives under control. Therefore, they constantly try to demonstrate that they are setting the rules of the game. Exception: they can stage themselves as victims to gain advantages.

 

 

 

36. What a gift for the world

 

They also remind us more often, without being asked, that they are an immense enrichment for the world. Their grandiosity is almost unbearable. They are always better than other people. That is why they expect corresponding privileges that do justice to their outstanding importance.

Indications that you do not belong to the narcissists

 

Probably everyone has qualities in themselves that match narcissists. The quantity and combination make the toxicity.

 

Here in a nutshell a few hints that you are not a narcissist:

  • You have honest friends. Your friends may also give you uncomfortable feedback without being removed from your contact list.
  • You listen well. You listen because you care about other people and their needs.
  • You are authentic.
  • You know that there are other people who are an enrichment to the world.

 

And, because it concerns so many people, I have dedicated a separate article about it: Help, am I a narcissist? 8 indications that you are not a narcissist

 

Beware of the first impression

 

Narcissists may radiate charm and act quite nice at first glance. Many seem eloquent, humorous, self-confident and pull so the attention. But as good the first impression may be, it doesn’t lake long and the narcissist unmasks himself as an egomaniac. With their self-indulgence and self-centeredness they strain our nerves with their airs and graces. Most the elaborate packaging not worth the content, but it is away deceived vehemently. But the beautiful appearance is deceptive and the facade collapses , all just for show. As long as can be found a few admirers it proceeds . They certainly have their short-term entertainment value. Unfortunately, many deceived , so it is possible to get into positions where they can cause some damage some narcissists .

 

 

 

Impaired self-esteem

 

The exaggerated desire for recognition and admiration caused by an impaired self-esteem. For such an ego every stage is too small for that they could be shared . Where other people anyway have only one value ; as an admirer ! So renounce narcissists on empathy and can be enjoyed on any form of feedback that is not understood as recognition .

It can be seen a great advantage such contemporaries early and a wide berth to make them . Now it may be that a situation of you calls to communicate with a narcissist . Therefore now here are some recommendations that sometimes save a few gray hairs.

 

 

 

Tips for communicating with narcissists

 

  • Be well prepared and listen very carefully.
  • Expect a low frustration tolerance.
  • Be very specific with what you want.
  • Keep the focus. Do not be distracted by all the red herrings .
  • Be aware of what your narcissistic interlocutor wants to achieve.
  • Talk to the ego. The problematic ego can be used to redirect them.
  • Ask little, expect little.
  • Look for a good own state. While this does not improve the conversation, however, reduces your risk of massive attacks. So possible smile and show a lot of patience, without making concessions involuntarily.
  • In black and white post all the essentials, so that they can use the protocols as needed. Narcissists are often very good to twist it subsequently things. confirm agreements in writing or confirm themselves in writing.
  • Victimization: Narcissists are never to blame if something goes wrong. They are more or less creative, why others are to blame for something. Do let you be manipulated by it.
  • Most important recommendation: Let it when it does not have to be! The otherwise commendable human desire to communicate in search for an improvement has little chance of success when the other one is a narcissist.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

 

If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. All these possibilities work very well and have already helped many people.

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day.

In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Often a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough.

Every day, I get many inquiries. Some have only one question, others send long question lists, some even call me at night. As much as I would like to help voluntarily, my calendar doesn't allow that anymore. I know, that not everyone has the financial means for professional help. You can then at least use the comment function to discuss issues with other people. Sometimes I also answer questions in the comments. However, the day is full at some point and I ask for your understanding. I am aware of the psychological strain that often results from contact with narcissists.

Help with narcissists

Related articles

 

P.S.

 

What lessons have you learned about narcissists?

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: June 21, 2001
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: August 14, 2019
Translation: ./.
German version: 
K: 
H: 
T: RR
#1890

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