Narcissism and Apologies: Look for Accountability, Not Just “I’m Sorry”

Narcissism and Apologies: Look for Accountability, Not Just “I’m Sorry”

You may be waiting for an apology.

From a business partner.

A co-founder.

A managing director.

A senior colleague.

Someone made an important decision without you.

Misrepresented what happened.

Broke an agreement.

Took credit.

Shifted responsibility.

Or treated you in a way that damaged trust.

And part of you thinks:

“If this person would simply admit what happened and apologize, perhaps we could move forward.”

Perhaps.

Yet when an important professional relationship has been damaged, the word sorry is only one small piece of the information you need.

The more important question is whether the person can acknowledge what happened, accept appropriate responsibility, contribute to repair, and behave differently afterwards.

Do People With Narcissistic Traits Apologize Less?

Research suggests that higher narcissistic traits can be associated with lower willingness to apologize.

That statement needs nuance.

Narcissism is not one single quality.

Researchers distinguish different narcissistic dimensions and facets.

For example, one study found that antagonistic narcissism — sometimes described as narcissistic rivalry — was associated with lower willingness to apologize and less apologizing behavior.

More agentic aspects of narcissism, such as narcissistic admiration, did not show the same relationship in that study.

This matters.

It means the useful conclusion is not:

“Narcissists never apologize.”

A more defensible conclusion is:

Certain narcissistic patterns can make acknowledging wrongdoing and offering a meaningful apology more difficult.

You Do Not Need a Diagnosis

In a difficult professional relationship, you may wonder:

“Is this person a narcissist?”

That question can become absorbing.

It may also distract you from the information that matters most.

You can observe whether someone:

• acknowledges mistakes
• accepts responsibility
• responds constructively to criticism
• shows concern for the consequences of their actions
• repairs agreements after violating them
• changes behavior after a conflict

You do not need to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder in order to take recurring patterns seriously.

Manage the behavior and its consequences. Leave clinical diagnosis to qualified clinicians working with the person directly.

Why Apologies Matter

A meaningful apology can serve several functions.

It can communicate:

• I recognize that something happened.
• I understand that it affected you.
• I accept my part in it.
• I regret the harm.
• I am willing to repair what can be repaired.
• I intend to act differently.

Research consistently finds that apologies can support forgiveness and relational repair.

They can also communicate that the relationship still has value.

Yet the effectiveness of an apology depends on more than the presence of the words:

“I’m sorry.”

An apology becomes credible when language and subsequent behavior point in the same direction.

What Makes an Apology Meaningful?

There is no single mandatory formula.

Useful apologies often contain several elements.

1. Recognition

The person identifies what happened.

For example:

“I approved the expenditure before we had the agreement required under our process.”

2. Responsibility

They acknowledge their part.

“That was my decision, and I should have involved you first.”

3. Recognition of Impact

They show some understanding of the consequence.

“I understand that this undermined the agreement we had about joint decisions.”

4. Regret

The apology contains genuine regret rather than irritation about being confronted.

“I’m sorry.”

5. Repair

Where repair is possible, they contribute to it.

“I will correct the communication with the client and clarify that the decision was not jointly approved.”

6. Future Behavior

The person demonstrates what should happen differently next time.

“For commitments above this threshold, I will wait for written approval from both of us.”

The words matter. What happens after the words matters more.

A Useful Test: What Exactly Is the Person Apologizing For?

Some apologies sound sincere until you examine what they acknowledge.

Consider:

“I’m sorry things became so difficult.”

What responsibility has been accepted?

None necessarily.

Or:

“I’m sorry you were upset.”

The speaker has recognized your reaction.

They have not necessarily acknowledged any problematic behavior.

Or:

“I’m sorry this was misunderstood.”

Who created the misunderstanding?

What actually happened?

The sentence remains conveniently vague.

Listen for whether the apology names the behavior or merely describes the uncomfortable aftermath.

“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”

This sentence receives considerable attention in discussions about narcissism.

Context matters.

Sometimes a person genuinely regrets your distress while disagreeing with your interpretation of events.

In other situations, the sentence functions as a way to avoid responsibility.

The important question is:

What follows?

Does the person explore what happened?

Do they acknowledge any contribution of their own?

Can they discuss the impact?

Do they help repair the situation?

One sentence alone rarely tells you enough.

The Conditional Apology

Another familiar version is:

“If I offended you, I apologize.”

Sometimes this reflects genuine uncertainty about what happened.

Sometimes it preserves distance from responsibility.

Compare:

“If you felt excluded, I’m sorry.”

with:

“I held the meeting without inviting you even though the issue falls within your responsibility. I should have included you.”

The second version gives you something much more concrete.

The Apology That Immediately Becomes an Accusation

Perhaps you hear:

“Fine, I’m sorry — but you did exactly the same thing last month.”

Now two different issues have been combined.

The other concern may deserve attention.

It does not erase responsibility for the first one.

You can say:

“I am willing to discuss my part as well. First I want us to finish this issue.”

Accountability becomes difficult when every admission immediately requires somebody else to be equally guilty.

When “Sorry” Becomes a Shortcut to Ending the Conversation

An apology can also be used to close a subject prematurely.

“I already apologized. What more do you want?”

Sometimes that question is fair.

Perhaps the other person has taken responsibility, repaired what was possible, and you continue demanding another version of the same conversation.

In other cases, the apology is being used as a substitute for unresolved practical questions.

For example:

• Who corrects the damage?
• Which agreement applies now?
• How will future decisions be made?
• What happens if the behavior repeats?

An apology can begin repair. It does not automatically complete it.

Words, Repair, and Restitution Are Different Things

Imagine a business partner publicly makes an inaccurate statement about you.

They apologize privately.

Is that enough?

Perhaps the relevant repair requires correcting the inaccurate statement publicly as well.

Or someone commits company funds without authorization.

An apology may matter.

You may also need:

• financial correction
• clearer decision rights
• documentation
• changed approval procedures

Research on relational repair supports this distinction: apology and restitution can each contribute to forgiveness and repair.

Sometimes words repair the relationship. Sometimes repair also requires action.

Do Not Measure Sincerity by Emotion Alone

An emotional apology can feel more convincing.

Tears.

A trembling voice.

Visible shame.

Strong expressions of regret.

These reactions may be genuine.

They are not reliable proof that future behavior will change.

The reverse also matters.

Someone may communicate regret in a relatively controlled way and still take full responsibility.

Judge the apology by its content, its relationship to reality, and what follows — not only by emotional intensity.

Guilt and Shame Are Not the Same

Research on apology often distinguishes between guilt and shame.

Guilt is more closely focused on:

“I did something wrong.”

Shame is more closely associated with:

“There is something wrong with me.”

That distinction can matter because guilt may motivate repair.

Research has repeatedly found associations between guilt-proneness and greater willingness to apologize.

Shame produces more complicated responses.

Some people withdraw.

Some defend themselves.

Some become angry.

Feeling bad is not the same as taking responsibility.

Narcissism and Apology: What Research Suggests

Several studies have found a negative relationship between narcissistic traits and willingness to apologize.

A 2017 series of studies found that higher narcissism was associated with less willingness to apologize, with lower empathy and guilt helping to explain the relationship.

Importantly, the researchers found that the antagonistic dimension of narcissism — narcissistic rivalry — showed the clearest negative association with apology behavior.

A later series of studies also found that narcissism was associated with more nonapologetic responses after interpersonal transgressions, with the victim’s response influencing how strongly this pattern appeared.

This is useful evidence.

It still does not justify predicting the behavior of every individual from a label.

Traits change probabilities. They do not give you certainty about the person sitting across from you.

Do Not Turn Research Into a Script

Once you read that narcissistic traits are associated with lower apology willingness, it may become tempting to interpret everything through that lens.

“Of course he didn’t apologize. Narcissist.”

Or:

“She apologized. Therefore she cannot be narcissistic.”

Neither conclusion follows.

People apologize for many reasons.

They refuse apologies for many reasons.

Personality is one influence among others.

Context matters.

Power matters.

Relationship value matters.

Perceived responsibility matters.

Consequences matter.

Use research to improve questions, not to pretend you can read individual minds.

Can an Apology Be Strategic?

Of course.

This is not unique to narcissistic personalities.

People apologize for many reasons:

• genuine remorse
• relationship repair
• reputation management
• conflict reduction
• commercial interests
• pressure from others
• legal or organizational considerations

A strategic motive does not automatically make every part of an apology false.

Human motives can be mixed.

A more useful question is:

Does the apology produce reliable accountability and repair?

When Someone Apologizes Only After Consequences Appear

A person denies wrongdoing.

Then a client complains.

Or a board member becomes involved.

Or documentation appears.

Suddenly an apology follows.

You may wonder whether it is sincere.

Perhaps it is.

Perhaps the consequences finally changed the person’s understanding.

Perhaps reputation became more important than responsibility.

You may never know with certainty.

So evaluate what you can observe:

• Does the person acknowledge what happened?
• Do they stop disputing established facts?
• Do they repair the damage?
• Do they change the process?
• Does the behavior repeat?

You do not need perfect access to motive in order to make a sound business decision.

An Apology Does Not Automatically Restore Trust

This distinction is crucial.

Apology and trust are related.

They are not identical.

Imagine someone says:

“I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

You may accept the apology.

You may still decide that:

• approval procedures need to change
• information needs independent verification
• financial authority should be limited
• important agreements must be documented
• you need greater distance in the relationship

Forgiveness, reconciliation, trust, and continued cooperation are separate decisions.

Accepting an Apology Does Not Require Returning to the Previous Arrangement

This is particularly important in business.

You can genuinely say:

“I accept your apology.”

and still say:

“From now on, these decisions require two signatures.”

Or:

“I am willing to continue working together, with clearer reporting.”

Or even:

“I accept the apology. I still believe ending the partnership is the right decision.”

An apology concerns the past.

Your decision about the relationship concerns the future.

What If There Is No Apology?

This is often the more important question.

You explain what happened.

The other person:

• denies it
• minimizes it
• changes the subject
• attacks you
• blames somebody else
• rewrites the agreement

You can spend enormous energy waiting for a sentence that may never arrive.

Your next decision does not need to depend on it.

Ask instead:

• What do I know now?
• What has this shown me about the relationship?
• Which risk needs to be managed?
• Which boundary is necessary?
• Which structure needs to change?
• What will I do if this happens again?

You can move forward without receiving the acknowledgment you would have preferred.

Do Not Argue for an Apology Indefinitely

An apology demanded repeatedly can become a strange goal.

You explain why the person should apologize.

They explain why they should not.

You produce more evidence.

They debate the wording.

Eventually the conversation becomes:

“Will you admit that I deserve an apology?”

Ask yourself:

What would the apology change?

If your real concern is:

• future behavior
• financial exposure
• decision rights
• trust
• reliability

address those questions directly.

Ask for Accountability More Clearly

Instead of:

“I want an apology.”

you may need:

“I want us to clarify whether you agree that this decision violated our approval process.”

Or:

“I need you to correct the statement you made to the client.”

Or:

“I want a clear agreement on how these decisions will be made from now on.”

Or:

“Before I decide how we continue, I need to understand whether you see anything problematic in what happened.”

These questions give you more information than demanding the word sorry.

Ask: What Does the Person Believe They Did Wrong?

This is one of the most revealing questions after a conflict.

Suppose someone says:

“I already said I was sorry.”

You can ask:

“What exactly are you apologizing for?”

Not as a trap.

As information.

Perhaps they say:

“For upsetting you.”

That is different from:

“For giving the client a commitment after we had agreed that neither of us would make that decision alone.”

The content of responsibility tells you more than the presence of apology language.

Watch What Happens When You Name the Impact

You might say:

“After that decision, I no longer knew whether our approval agreement was reliable.”

Notice the response.

Does the person:

• ask questions?
• show curiosity?
• acknowledge the impact?
• immediately dispute your right to feel that way?
• turn the conversation back to their own grievance?

One conversation does not define a personality.

Repeated patterns still provide important information.

Behavior After the Apology Is the Real Test

This is where many situations become clearer.

Someone offers an impressive apology.

Then two weeks later:

the same agreement is broken.

The same information is withheld.

The same responsibility is shifted.

The same explanation appears.

Now the problem is no longer whether the apology sounded sincere.

You have behavioral evidence.

A credible apology changes something.

One Apology Versus a Pattern

People fail.

A normally reliable colleague can become defensive.

A good business partner can give a poor apology.

A stressed executive can respond badly and reconsider later.

Do not build an entire personality assessment from one incident.

Look at patterns.

Over time:

• Can the person acknowledge mistakes?
• Can they revise their position?
• Can they apologize without collapsing or counterattacking?
• Can they repair trust?
• Does learning occur?

Patterns are usually more informative than isolated performances.

When the Pattern Involves Narcissistic Rivalry

The antagonistic side of narcissism is particularly relevant here.

It can involve:

• devaluation of others
• status competition
• hostility
• defensive responses to threat

Research suggests that this antagonistic dimension has a stronger relationship with unwillingness to apologize than the more assertive, self-enhancing dimension sometimes called narcissistic admiration.

This distinction helps explain why broad statements about “narcissists” are often too crude.

The patterns that create the greatest interpersonal difficulty are not necessarily the same traits that make somebody confident, ambitious, or highly visible.

Be Careful With Retaliation Stories

The internet is full of claims such as:

“If you force a narcissist to apologize, they will punish you later.”

This can happen in difficult relationships.

It should not be presented as an inevitable psychological law.

A 2019 series of studies found that people higher in narcissism showed more nonapologetic and aggressive responses under some post-transgression conditions, particularly when receiving vengeful feedback.

That is interesting.

It does not mean every request for accountability creates inevitable revenge.

Do not turn group-level research into certainty about an individual.

If You Expect Retaliation, Treat It as a Risk Question

Perhaps you have concrete reasons to expect:

• reputational attacks
• information withholding
• financial retaliation
• exclusion from decisions
• pressure on colleagues

Then manage that risk.

Do not rely on a psychological label.

Consider:

• documentation
• decision rights
• access to information
• governance
• appropriate witnesses
• professional legal advice where necessary

The stronger the business consequences, the less useful amateur mind-reading becomes.

With a Co-Founder, Governance Matters More Than the Apology

Imagine your co-founder repeatedly makes major decisions alone.

Each time, there is conflict.

Eventually they apologize.

Then it happens again.

You no longer primarily have an apology problem.

You have a governance problem.

Clarify:

• Who can decide what?
• Which decisions require joint approval?
• What must be documented?
• Who receives which information?
• What happens in a deadlock?

Good governance reduces the amount of trust that must rest on somebody remembering to behave differently next time.

→ Narcissistic Co-Founder? Protect the Company Before You Diagnose the Person

When Facts Themselves Are Contested

A meaningful apology becomes difficult if two people cannot agree on what happened.

Perhaps you hear:

“That was never agreed.”

“I never said that.”

“You understood it incorrectly.”

Some disagreement may be genuine.

Human memory is imperfect.

In high-stakes relationships, reduce future ambiguity.

Use:

• written summaries
• clear decisions
• meeting notes
• defined approval processes
• explicit responsibilities

Do not make every future conflict depend on competing memories.

→ Why Do Narcissistic People Lie? What Research Says — and What Matters at Work

An Apology Is Not Evidence That Your Interpretation Is Correct

This matters too.

People sometimes apologize simply because they value the relationship.

They may say:

“I’m sorry for how I handled that.”

while still believing:

“My underlying decision was correct.”

That can be entirely coherent.

Separate:

• the decision
• the process
• the communication
• the impact

Two people can disagree about the first and still acknowledge problems with the others.

Do You Need the Other Person to Understand Everything?

Sometimes you want more than an apology.

You want the person to understand exactly:

how much the event affected you,

why it mattered,

what it revealed,

and why you now see the relationship differently.

That desire is understandable.

It may not always be realistic or necessary.

Ask:

What level of understanding do I genuinely need in order to make the next decision?

You may need a workable agreement more than perfect emotional insight.

Closure Does Not Have to Be Given to You

This is particularly important when the other person refuses responsibility.

You may never receive:

• the admission
• the explanation
• the apology
• the agreement about what really happened

Your options still remain.

You can decide:

• what you believe the evidence shows
• which behavior you will accept
• what you need documented
• whether trust remains justified
• whether the relationship should continue

Your ability to make a decision does not have to remain hostage to somebody else’s willingness to validate your interpretation.

Do Not Use Forgiveness as a Business Strategy

Forgiveness can be personally meaningful.

It should not replace risk management.

You may forgive someone and still:

• verify information
• change decision rights
• document agreements
• reduce exposure
• end a partnership

Likewise, you may choose to continue working with someone without resolving every emotional aspect of the history.

Personal forgiveness and professional trust answer different questions.

Before Your Next Conversation, Clarify What You Need

Instead of entering the conversation hoping vaguely for an apology, define the useful outcome.

Do you need:

• acknowledgment of a fact?
• acceptance of responsibility?
• a correction?
• compensation or restitution?
• a changed process?
• a clear future boundary?
• a decision about whether to continue working together?

Now the conversation becomes easier to prepare.

Questions That May Be More Useful Than “Will You Apologize?”

You might ask:

“How do you understand what happened?”

“What responsibility do you believe you had in that situation?”

“What do you think the impact was?”

“What should happen differently next time?”

“How do you propose we repair the consequences?”

“Do you still agree with the decision-making rule we had?”

Answers to these questions often tell you much more about the future of the relationship than a pressured apology.

Watch for Four Things

After a significant breach, I would pay particular attention to:

1. Reality

Can you establish a reasonably shared account of what happened?

2. Responsibility

Can the person acknowledge their contribution without immediately transferring it elsewhere?

3. Repair

Are they willing to correct what can be corrected?

4. Repetition

Does the same pattern return?

Reality. Responsibility. Repair. Repetition.

Those four questions are often more useful than asking whether the apology sounded sincere.

What If You Also Made Mistakes?

Difficult relationships can produce symmetrical storytelling.

Each person explains what the other did.

Neither examines their own part.

If you contributed to the situation, acknowledge it.

That does not require taking responsibility for the other person’s behavior.

You can say:

“I should have documented our agreement more clearly. That is my part. I still want to address why the decision went ahead without the approval we had discussed.”

Owning your part can increase clarity without accepting responsibility that belongs elsewhere.

Do Not Trade False Confessions

Sometimes pressure appears:

“I’ll apologize if you apologize.”

If both people have something meaningful to acknowledge, mutual accountability can be useful.

It becomes less useful when apologies are negotiated like tokens.

You do not need to admit something you do not believe merely to obtain the other person’s acknowledgment.

Address each issue on its merits.

When the Conversation Becomes Circular

You have explained the issue five times.

The same responses return.

You are no longer learning anything new.

At some point, another round may have diminishing value.

You can say:

“I think we understand each other’s positions. We do not agree about what happened. I now want to focus on how decisions will be handled from here.”

Or:

“We are not reaching agreement on responsibility. I still need to decide what that means for our future cooperation.”

Not every disagreement needs to be argued until one person surrenders.

When Legal or Governance Issues Are Involved

If the dispute involves:

• shareholder rights
• directors’ duties
• company funds
• contracts
• employment law
• liability
• formal misconduct

communication sparring is not a substitute for qualified legal advice.

The legal question and the communication question can exist side by side.

You may need professional legal guidance while also preparing how to conduct the conversation effectively.

The Bottom Line

People with stronger narcissistic traits may, on average, show less willingness to apologize.

That tendency appears particularly relevant for antagonistic narcissistic characteristics.

It still does not mean that every person described as narcissistic will never apologize.

And the presence of an apology does not prove that trust has been restored.

So do not concentrate exclusively on:

“Did they say sorry?”

Look for:

• acknowledgment
• responsibility
• repair
• behavioral change

If those elements are present, the relationship may have something to work with.

If they remain absent, the lack of an apology is only one part of the information you have.

You do not need the perfect apology to make a clear decision about what happens next.

Dealing With a Difficult Business Relationship?

If you are dealing with a co-founder, shareholder, managing director, senior colleague, client, or other important professional counterpart and trust has been damaged, we can work directly with the real situation.

Depending on what matters, Executive Sparring may include:

• separating facts from interpretations
• examining recurring patterns
• clarifying what you need from the other person
• testing assumptions
• considering power and governance
• clarifying boundaries
• preparing difficult questions
• rehearsing the conversation
• considering your options if accountability remains absent

I work primarily with business owners, managing directors, executives, and senior leaders.

In person in Berlin. Online throughout Germany.

→ Executive Sparring

→ Conversation & Negotiation Preparation

→ High-Stakes Communication

→ Fees & Booking

→ Discuss Your Situation

Research Note

Research does support an association between narcissistic traits and lower willingness to apologize, although the relationship is more nuanced than popular descriptions often suggest.

A 2017 series of studies found that narcissism was negatively associated with willingness to apologize and identified lower empathy and guilt as possible explanatory mechanisms. Importantly, antagonistic narcissism — narcissistic rivalry — rather than narcissistic admiration showed the clearer negative relationship with apology behavior.

→ Why Narcissists Are Unwilling to Apologize: The Role of Empathy and Guilt

A 2019 series of four studies also found that narcissism was negatively related to apologetic responses and positively related to nonapologetic responses following transgressions. The relationship varied depending on the victim’s response, illustrating why interpersonal context matters.

→ How, When, and Why Transgressors’ Narcissism Affects Motivation to Apologize

Research on apologies more generally shows that apologies can promote forgiveness and relational repair. Other work indicates that restitution and corrective action also matter.

→ Apologies, Relationship Value, and Forgiveness

→ Apology, Restitution, and Relational Repair

About Karsten Noack

I work with business owners, managing directors, executives, and senior leaders on difficult professional relationships, important decisions, leadership situations, negotiations, and communication under pressure.

My background combines engineering, management, business consulting, marketing, psychology, communication, and more than 25 years of coaching and consulting work.

→ About Karsten Noack

Compassionate Support for Those Affected by Narcissists

(Note: This is not legal advice—consult a legal professional for legal issues.)

Understanding the Challenge

Dealing with narcissistic individuals can lead to intense emotional pain, confusion, and exhaustion. I understand that many of you are facing an overwhelming situation, feeling isolated and unsure where to turn. My goal is to provide you with clear, compassionate support to help you regain control and navigate through this challenging time.

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If you are looking for guidance in making decisions, communicating effectively, or managing emotional distress due to narcissistic relationships, I am here to arrange a session that suits your needs.

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Thank you for your understanding regarding my procedures and the limitations I face due to the high volume of requests. Your courage in seeking support is commendable, and I am here to provide guidance, compassion, and clarity on your journey.

Be ready for important conversations and negotiations

Communication can be easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say one thing and then realize later, based on the other person's reaction, that they were talking to someone else. With the best will in the world, I didn't say that. - Or did I?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen quickly enough, and above all, if it isn't precise and vivid, the other person quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. - The conversation has failed.

You can let me help you prepare for your meetings and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will train you effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and ultimately convince.

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Articles

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: November 19th, 2024
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/narzissmus-eltern-kinder-liebe-beziehung/