Narcissists and feedback

People make mistakes and can learn from them. With narcissists this is unlikely. Even to harmless and cautious feedback, narcissists respond as if it were harsh inappropriate criticism. They react offended and insulted because this could damage their self-image. At least inwardly they react angrily. However, anger can also easily lead to significant aggression.

Overview

Feedback and narcissists

​

When you express criticism to narcissists, they experience it like a massive physical attack. For narcissists, it feels like the destruction of their person. Depending on the relationship and context, the reaction is usually very exaggerated. This happens sooner or later. Sometimes the response can happen even much later when you no longer expect it. It can be overt or covert. However, one result is quite certain: narcissists do not forget even accidental attacks. They want revenge at any price.

Is it worth it?

Even from your point of view, harmless and constructive feedback will be resented by narcissists. They perceive something like this as an insult and take it personally. So, be careful and exercise extreme tact and sensitivity, just as a bomb disposal expert would.
Before you address issues, think about whether you want to do this despite the risks. Insight is usually not to be expected from narcissists. Depending on the situation, you should at best expect hypocritical insight, excuses, blame, or emotional reactions such as outbursts of rage.

Emotional reactions

Stay calm during outbursts of rage by narcissists. It is part of the preferred behavioral repertoire of narcissistic personalities. Such people know how to manipulate others. Learn to recognize their manipulation techniques.

Caution

If, despite the risks, you dare to criticize a narcissist, then wrap it up well. Feed narcissists with a lot of acceptable praise. The subsequent criticism should be given in small doses. Do you find this exhausting? So do I!

In any case, there is one thing you can forget about: changing narcissistic personalities. You won’t bring them to insights or establish a relationship at eye level. These are pointless attempts.

Help dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day. In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Typically, a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough. Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

As much as I would like to - with the large number of requests I receive, I keep the amount of volunteer help at a feasible level.

If you want professional support (in the areas I offer and this does not include any legal advice), then we can make an appointment. Either you come to me in Berlin or we make a telephone session or use the Internet with video support. This has proven to be very successful. Thanks to real-time bank transfer, it is also possible to book appointments at short notice. We can make an appointment first or even easier and faster; you book your session and as soon as the fee is received, we find the next available appointment.

If it is about the psychological effects, I offer therapeutic help for people suffering from narcissists and coaching for other issues. You can find the fees here. Please note the reduced fees for therapeutic assistance for people suffering from narcissistic abuse.

Not all sufferers have the financial means to do this, I know. You can then at least use the comment function to exchange information with other sufferers. Sometimes I also answer questions there, occasionally even beyond that. I am aware of the suffering that can result from contact with narcissists. However, the day has only 24h, and therefore I ask for understanding for my procedures. I am aware of the suffering that often results from contact with narcissists. That is why I offer a free telephone consultation every first Monday of the month from 9:00 to 12:00 for initial impulses. Please use exclusively the telephone number +49 (0)30 864 213 65 for this purpose. Calls outside these hours and on other telephone numbers exclusively in the context of the professional support mentioned.

So: Questions that may also interest other people, please ask in the comments. Some topics are of a more private nature and I offer professional support for them. Let's have a direct conversation about this. If you are interested in support, for organizational questions and appointments you can reach me personally best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.de), conditionally also by phone +49 (0)30 864 213 65., mobile +49 (0)30 864 213 65.

Preparation of important conversations and negotiations

Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?

More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.

You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.

Just ask me personally

Please post any questions that may be of interest to other readers in the comments. Looking for professional help?

If you are interested in coaching, training or consulting, if you have organizational questions, or if you want to make an appointment, you can reach me best via this contact form (you can choose if you want to enter your personal data) or via e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com). You can also reach me by phone at +49(0)30 864 213 68 or by cell phone at +49(0)1577 704 53 56 from Monday to Thursday from 9:00 to 18:00. Most of the time I am in sessions, so please leave a message with your phone number in Germany. Please remember to be very specific about the reason for your call. I will get back to you as soon as possible. The privacy policy can be found here.

Transparency is important. That is why you will find answers to frequently asked questions already here, for example about me (profile), the services, the fees and getting to know me. If you like what you see, I look forward to working with you.

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Related articles

• Help dealing with a narcissist
• Help, am I a narcissist? 8 indications that you are not a narcissist
• 17 signs that someone is a manipulator
• Stop it, I hate that: Recognize the 11 most common manipulation techniques
• What effort and cost for the preparation of a conversation or negotiation are justified?
• Prepare your conversations and negotiations
• Professional impact analysis: How are you perceived by other people?

P.S.

What experience have you had with narcissists?

Articles

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: August 20th, 2023
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/zu-ist-zuviel-umgang-mit-narzissten/
K:
H:
T: RR
#339

Narcissism

Narcissists are driven primarily by power, fame, and recognition. That’s not bad, right? If there weren’t so many people with narcissistic tendencies, there wouldn’t be many achievements and world records. However, we would not have to suffer from many disadvantages. As fascinating as narcissists may seem at first glance, they are in reality selfish and emotionally cold. Only their self-pity is boundless. Just the others make mistakes.

In the article, you will learn how to identify narcissists.

Overview

• How can narcissists be identified?
• 36 signs of a narcissistic personality
• Ask me personally
• P.S.
• Comments
• Related articles

How can narcissists be identified?

The more of the following indications are observable, the more likely narcissistic tendencies are present. But please do not exaggerate; everyone has traces of the following tendencies.

36 signs of a narcissistic personality

This article is not aimed at diagnosing pathological narcissists, but rather at avoiding nasty contemporaries and not being abused by them.

1. Inadequate self-esteem

The self-esteem displayed seems inadequate in terms of personality, position, and experience. They claim a higher status than the environment wants to grant.

2. Self-interest

Narcissists are looking out for their advantage. As long as it gives them an advantage, they can appear nice and engaging. Once such people have reached their goal, this is over. Then it’s time for payback because narcissists have a good memory when it comes to taking revenge.

3. Arrogance

Very typical is arrogant behavior. The underlying need for superiority may be well hidden, but it drives narcissists. To achieve this longingly desired superiority, they will try to make their counterpart feel inferior. If you fall into the trap, you feel a little smaller, stupider, and more insignificant next to a narcissist.

For narcissists, everything they say and do is right simply because they say and do it. They expect that every utterance and action is accepted without hesitation as right and as the only truth.

4. Without considering losses

Narcissists hurt other people without the slightest inhibition or remorse. This makes such people so attractive for unpleasant tasks and paves their way to higher positions.

5. Striving for power

Very often the need is expressed to exert influence and strive for quick success. They usually show they are striving for dominance quite openly. Their choice of words alone makes their claim obvious.

6. Actors

If it serves their purposes, they can disguise themselves for a while and even seem more submissive. All the more merciless is their behavior after such an unpleasant phase for them.

7. Bad listener

They don’t care about other people’s babble unless it’s compliments. Or they can exploit it for their purposes.

8. Wiseguys

The wise guy can do everything, knows everything, …And attacks everyone who notices that it is not true.

9. Masters of the first impression

Narcissists are trained to make an above-average first impression. As dazzlers, they invest a lot of effort to impress.

10. Manipulators

Deviousness, frequent attempts at manipulation, and control of the environment are very familiar to narcissists.

11. Searches for praise

Compliments are requested, if necessary, with clear pressure instead of more gentle Fishing for Compliments. Otherwise, they rarely listen properly. Praise may be delivered without substance. Homages are accepted.

12. Poor victim

Even if they are richly endowed, it is still insufficient what they receive. The wonderful gift of God deserves more, much more.

13. They exert pressure

Narcissists exert pressure. Charmingly and seemingly subtly, they manipulatively convey what they expect from their counterpart, without any possibility of discussion.

14. They are more important than all other people

All men are equal, what a fallacy! The presence of a narcissist is a gift for the world around, ordinary people are an imposition. Those who do not realize this, thus only prove their stupidity.

15. They avoid emotional topics

Emotional topics are avoided. Emotions make people vulnerable, and that is the last thing narcissists want to be. If it gets too emotional, they quickly change the subject. Narcissists can certainly perceive the feelings and emotions of others. However, they are not interested in the emotional lives of other people to understand them better, but to gain an advantage from this knowledge.

16. Unilateral claims for themselves

Only the best is good enough for them. They live at a higher standard, even when their pockets are empty. Other people should limit themselves.

17. Masquerade

Narcissists aspire to degrees and titles, preferably also doctorates, from the Internet. Behind the façade, it often looks very disappointing.

19. Morality is something for others

Morale is only important in terms of not getting caught. Narcissists are even proud of it when they manage to get away with questionable behavior.

20. Self-centeredness

Me, me, me. Narcissists prefer to talk about themselves and their plans.

21. Talking instead of listening

They talk to people instead of with them. The others, the audience, should listen.

22. Critics

Criticism is abundantly distributed, but not accepted.

23. Arrogance

Narcissists consider people who follow rules to be stupid.

24. Vanity

Outstanding vanity is one of the defining characteristics. Narcissists want to be more beautiful than their surroundings, to be admired, and to be flawless. For this purpose, they make greater efforts and invest a great deal of money. Appearances are particularly important to them.

25. No real sympathy

Empathy is faked at best. Typical is the lack of real sadness and other emotional involvement. As a result, narcissists are incapable of loving, feeling remorse, or guilt.

Although narcissists are often good actors, attentive observers can see that real emotions are conspicuously rare. However, it requires appropriate knowledge.

26. Intransigence

Apologies are expected from other people but not given, because mistakes are only made by others. If you want to upset narcissists and turn them against you, then contradict them. Criticism or even the most constructive feedback is not welcome. If you ignore this, you will soon feel the consequences.

27. One-sided expectations

They expect that other people will put their needs aside in their favor.

28. They want to be admired

Narcissists are very keen on being admired by other people.

29. They are envious: there can be only ONE

Narcissists envy others a lot and think they are envied themselves. Mirror, mirror on the wall, nobody is as great as the narcissist. To achieve this, narcissists do their utmost to outdo others in various disciplines. If an ignorant person is then so insolent and does not respect this claim, narcissists often react with envy and devalue the success of other people with malice and resentment.

30. The supposed source of intelligence and inspiration

Their topics are far more important than those of other people. This is why narcissists interrupt their less qualified people in their environment more frequently.

31. Euphemists

If an ignorant person is then so insolent and does not respect this claim, narcissists regularly react with envy and devalue the success of other people with malice and resentment.

32. Tyrants

Equipped with power, the narcissist turns out to be a tyrant. Illusions and prayers of thrust do not change this.

33. Ruthless exploitation

For their personal goals, narcissists unscrupulously exploit other people and show overall parasitic behavior in relationships.

34. Difficult relationship with offspring

The relationship with their children and grandchildren is special. Here, the typical characteristics of narcissists collide with parenthood and the selfish desire to make their mark on the offspring.

35. The need for control

Narcissists avoid anything that reminds them that they may not always have everything in their lives under control. Therefore, they constantly try to demonstrate that they are setting the rules of the game. Exception: they can stage themselves as victims to gain advantages.

36. What a gift for the world

They also remind us more often, without being asked, that they are an immense enrichment for the world. Their grandiosity is almost unbearable. They are always better than other people. That is why they expect corresponding privileges that do justice to their outstanding importance.

Indications that you do not belong to the narcissists

Probably everyone has qualities in themselves that match narcissists. The quantity and combination make the toxicity.

Here, in a nutshell, a few hints that you are not a narcissist:

• You have honest friends. Your friends may also give you uncomfortable feedback without being removed from your contact list.
• You listen well. You listen because you care about other people and their needs.
• You are authentic.
• You know that other people are an enrichment to the world.

And, because it concerns so many people, I have dedicated a separate article about it: Help, am I a narcissist? 8 indications that you are not a narcissist

Beware of the first impression

Narcissists may radiate charm and act quite nice at first glance. Many seem eloquent, humorous, self-confident and pull so the attention. But as good the first impression may be, it doesn’t lake long, and the narcissist unmasks himself as an egomaniac. With their self-indulgence and self-centeredness, they strain our nerves with their airs and graces. Most of the elaborate packaging is not worth the content, but it is away deceived vehemently. But the beautiful appearance is deceptive, and the facade collapses, all just for show. As long as can be found a few admirers, it proceeds. They certainly have their short-term entertainment value. Unfortunately, many deceived, so it is possible to get into positions where they can cause some damage to some narcissists.

Impaired self-esteem

The exaggerated desire for recognition and admiration caused by an impaired self-esteem. For such an ego, every stage is too small for that they could be shared . Where other people anyway have only one value ; as an admirer ! So renounce narcissists on empathy, and can be enjoyed on any form of feedback that is not understood as recognition.

It can be seen a great advantage such contemporaries early and a wide berth to make them. Now, it may be that a situation of you calls to communicate with a narcissist . Therefore, now here are some recommendations that sometimes save a few gray hairs.

Tips for communicating with narcissists

• Be well-prepared and listen very carefully.
• Expect a low frustration tolerance.
• Be very specific with what you want.
• Keep the focus. Do not be distracted by all the red herrings .
• Be aware of what your narcissistic interlocutor wants to achieve.
• Talk to the ego. The problematic ego can be used to redirect them.
• Ask little, expect little.
• Look for a good own state. While this does not improve the conversation, however, reduces your risk of massive attacks. So possible smile and show a lot of patience, without making concessions involuntarily.
• In black and white, post all the essentials, so that they can use the protocols as needed. Narcissists are often very good to twist it subsequently things. Confirm agreements in writing or confirm themselves in writing.
• Victimization: Narcissists are never to blame if something goes wrong. They are more or less creative, why others are to blame for something. Do let you be manipulated by it.
• Most important recommendation: Let it when it does not have to be! The otherwise commendable human desire to communicate in search for an improvement has little chance of success when the other one is a narcissist.

Help in dealing with narcissists (no legal advice!)

It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day. In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Typically, a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough. Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.

As much as I would like to - with the large number of requests I receive, I keep the amount of volunteer help at a feasible level.

If you want professional support (in the areas I offer and this does not include any legal advice), then we can make an appointment. Either you come to me in Berlin or we make a telephone session or use the Internet with video support. This has proven to be very successful. Thanks to a real-time bank transfer, it is also possible to book appointments at short notice. We can make an appointment first or even easier and faster; you book your session and as soon as the fee is received, we find the next available appointment.

If it is about the psychological effects, I offer therapeutic help for people suffering from narcissists and coaching for other issues. You can find the fees here. Please note the reduced fees for therapeutic assistance for people suffering from narcissistic abuse.

Not all sufferers have the financial means to do this, I know. You can then at least use the comment function to exchange information with other sufferers. Sometimes I also answer questions there, occasionally even beyond that. I am aware of the suffering that can result from contact with narcissists. However, the day has only 24h, and therefore I ask for an understanding of my procedures. I am aware of the suffering that often results from contact with narcissists. That is why I offer a free telephone consultation every first Monday of the month from 9:00 to 12:00 for initial impulses. Please use exclusively the telephone number +49 (0)30 864 213 65 for this purpose. Calls outside these hours and on other telephone numbers exclusively in the context of the professional support mentioned.

So: Questions that may also interest other people, please ask in the comments. Some topics are of a more private nature and I offer professional support for them. Let's have a direct conversation about this. If you are interested in support, for organizational questions and appointments you can reach me personally best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.de), conditionally also by phone +49 (0)30 864 213 65., mobile +49 (0)30 864 213 65.

Related articles

• Help dealing with a narcissist
• Online sessions with video
• Offer for coaching, training and consulting in Berlin

P.S.

What lessons have you learned about narcissists?

Articles

This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.

Published: June 21, 2001
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: August 14, 2019
Translation: ./.
German version: 
K: 
H: 
T: RR
#1890