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Most people appreciate a good listener, but most prefer to speak for themselves rather than listen. Active listening can be easy, the article tells you how.
To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation.
François de La Rochefoucauld
Hearing more than talking – that’s what nature teaches us:
It gave us two ears, but only one tongue.
Gottfried Keller
Being a good listener can help you to see the world through the eyes of others. It enriches your understanding and expands your capacity for empathy. Listening increases your contact with the outside world by helping you improve your communication skills.
What do you think about the next saying?
You can win more friends with your ears than you can with your mouth.
Good listening skills can provide you with a deeper level of understanding about others and their situation. It helps you to choose your communication style. It tells you what words are best to use or which words to avoid.
Being a good listener does not come easy for some of us. Listening is not the same as hearing. It means being aware of both verbal and non-verbal messages. Your ability to listen effectively depends on the degree to which you perceive and understand these messages. And it massively depends on the ability to build rapport.
Most people appreciate a good listener. But in practice, most people prefer to speak for themselves rather than listen to others. It is probably not so easy for everyone to listen to other people. But it is worthwhile to pay honest attention to those you are talking to.
Active listening does not turn anyone into a passive person who patiently follows endless explanations without ever getting a chance to speak for himself. Active listening helps to improve communication in general and to make one’s messages heard. Genuine listening is the best way to gain trust and sympathy and to build relationships.
The art of conversation lies in listening, and here is how:
If the state of mind is too agitated, listening won’t work. So, first, make sure that they are mentally ready.
A large part of communication is non-verbal. Keep an eye on the body language of your interlocutor. While you are listening, your brain only needs a small part of its capacity. The rest is free to formulate an answer and listen better.
Especially less good and impatient listeners are often too busy to speak. And then it easily happens that the body language communicates something different from intended. There is a restless sliding back and forth on the chair, arms or legs crossed, clearing the throat. It is precisely the signals of impatience that do not encourage us to continue talking, but interrupt thoughts that otherwise take place.
You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time. It helps to put the smartphone aside, to turn it off quietly, to be completely attentive. Choosing a suitable environment also makes it easier for everyone involved to concentrate.
One of the most sincere forms of respect is listening to what another has to say. The interruption of the interlocutor or even the completion of his sentences is disrespectful.
It makes sense to ask reflective questions, not only to check whether you have understood everything correctly. Asking questions helps to formulate questions and answers in a more targeted way. It is therefore worth asking questions in between.
Pay attention to the body language of your counterpart. Register micro gestures or other clues, such as nervous bouncing of the foot under the table. In some situations, you can even respond to your observations. If you do this cautiously, the person you are talking to will be more likely to open up, because they will feel taken seriously, and you will enjoy more trust.
With your eye contact, you signal interest and that you are with the thing.
Even experienced listeners run the risk of switching off as soon as their ideas and convictions are questioned or criticized. In this situation, cross-pollinating and formulating justifiable answers instead of listening misses information, insight, and the chance to defuse emerging conflicts.
Elegant paraphrasing is the perfect way to solve problems or make plans. Estimate what your conversation partner thinks or feels, and briefly summarize what has already been saying. Show empathy.
Take a break. For example, to absorb what has been said and think about it. You will appear more deliberate and give better answers later.
Who makes a short break before answers, makes it easier for the interlocutor to add something to his statement. Before each answer, count up to four in your head until you automatically take the breaks.
A good listener is interested in long-term and viable solutions, rather than quick effects that only flatter his ego. Avoid advice, especially unsolicited advice. Everything else is latently intrusive and as if you were a know-it-all.
If you make listening and observation of your occupation, you will gain much more than you can by talking. Listen longer than you talk. People who practice this are perceived as more intelligent and sympathetic.
One of the most interesting in communication is hearing what isn’t said.
As simple as listening may seem, doing it well, takes sincere effort and lots of practice. Do you want to be someone that others want to talk to? If you want to know how to be a good listener, learn more about it.
Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?
More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.
You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.
Please post any questions that may be of interest to other readers in the comments. Looking for professional support?
If you are interested in coaching, training or consulting, if you have organizational questions, or if you want to make an appointment, you can reach me best via this contact form (you can choose if you want to enter your personal data) or via e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com). You can also reach me by phone at +49(0)30 864 213 68 or by cell phone at +49(0)1577 704 53 56 from Monday to Thursday from 9:00 to 18:00. Most of the time I am in sessions, so please leave a message with your phone number in Germany. Please remember to be very specific about the reason for your call. I will get back to you as soon as possible. The privacy policy can be found here.
Transparency is important. That is why you will find answers to frequently asked questions already here, for example about me (profile), the services, the fees and getting to know me. If you like what you see, I look forward to working with you.
Remarks:
In the address bar of your browser, the URL should begin with "https://www.karstennoack.com/...". This indicates a secure connection (SSL). Whether you enter your real name is up to you.
Active listening is important when communicating because it ensures that you engage with the person you are talking to in a positive way. It also makes the other person feel heard and valued. This skill is the foundation for a successful conversation in any setting, whether at work, at home, or in social situations.
Active listening, as the name suggests, means active attention. It means concentrating fully on what is being said and not just passively listening to the speaker’s acoustic message. It requires paying attention with all the senses, focusing fully on the speaker, actively showing verbal and nonverbal signs of listening.
Active listening helps to build trust and understand other people’s situations and feelings. This, in turn, enables one to offer support and empathy. Unlike critical listening, active listening is about understanding, not responding. The goal is to listen and affirm the other person and inspire them to solve their problems.
There are many ways to improve your active listening. You can practice in coaching sessions, trainings and everyday situations.
This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.
Published: Februar 2, 2016
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: August 20th, 2023
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/aktives-zuhoeren/
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#181
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. It sounds true, and it is true. And it is also not always right to hide behind that saying.
If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all. Well, nobody can make you feel bad without your permission!
Let’s think twice about that. It sounds true. And it is true. But what is missing here are the responsibilities. Because that saying also sets up a world where you have no responsibility for your speech.
I support the right to free speech. It is part of my profession when I support all those different people to present themselves and their offers. I believe in choosing to exercise that right responsibly and respectfully. Free speech comes with responsibilities. It is essential for society, and so is respect. Therefore, I recommend speaking carefully. Do your best to be kind. And don’t be radical unless it’s your last choice. Don’t be offensive!
The problem I see with the argument is that one person’s version of being offensive is very different from another. Be careful: When you hurt the values you want to protect, you lose your credibility. Walk your talk!
Please post any questions that may be of interest to other readers in the comments. Looking for professional support?
If you are interested in coaching, training or consulting, if you have organizational questions, or if you want to make an appointment, you can reach me best via this contact form (you can choose if you want to enter your personal data) or via e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com). You can also reach me by phone at +49(0)30 864 213 68 or by cell phone at +49(0)1577 704 53 56 from Monday to Thursday from 9:00 to 18:00. Most of the time I am in sessions, so please leave a message with your phone number in Germany. Please remember to be very specific about the reason for your call. I will get back to you as soon as possible. The privacy policy can be found here.
Transparency is important. That is why you will find answers to frequently asked questions already here, for example about me (profile), the services, the fees and getting to know me. If you like what you see, I look forward to working with you.
Remarks:
In the address bar of your browser, the URL should begin with "https://www.karstennoack.com/...". This indicates a secure connection (SSL). Whether you enter your real name is up to you.
This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.
Published: March 21, 2001
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: August 20th, 2023
Translation: ./.
German version:
K:
H:
T: RR
#181
Tips for dealing with people who are overly in love with themselves, with narcissists. They can radiate charm and seem quite nice at first glance; narcissists. Many of them are eloquent, humorous, self-confident, and attract attention. But as good as the first impression may be, narcissists expose themselves as egomaniacs. With their unhealthy self-love and egocentrism, they then strain the nerves with their allure. Usually, there is no valuable content behind the packaging, but this is vehemently concealed. How to communicate and deal with narcissists without despair.
Yes, they can radiate charm and seem quite nice at first glance; narcissists. Many of them are eloquent, humorous, self-confident, and attract attention. But as good as the first impression may be, narcissists expose themselves as egomaniacs. With their exaggerated self-love and egocentrism, they then strain the nerves of their fellow human beings with their allure. In most cases, the content is not worth the effort of packaging, but it is deceived. The beautiful appearance is deceptive and the façade collapses, all just a show. As long as a few admirers can still be found, narcissists won’t stop. They can be entertaining at short notice. Unfortunately, too many people let themselves be deceived, which is why narcissists too often manage to get into positions where they can do some damage.
The exaggerated desire for recognition and admiration is caused by disturbed self-esteem. For such an ego, any stage is too small to be shared with others. Other people have only one right to be present anyway; as admirers!
Narcissists do without empathy. They also renounce any form of feedback towards you. The exception is praise, which is perceived as appropriate recognition. Dealing with narcissists is rarely a joy.
It is a great advantage to recognize such contemporaries at an early stage and avoid them. However, it may be that a situation requires you to communicate with a narcissist. Therefore, here are some recommendations that can sometimes save you a few gray hairs.
The first step is to recognize narcissists as such. Even if a person feels particularly attractive, intelligent, or special in some other way, he or she does not have to have a narcissistic disposition.
A healthy portion of self-love, the ability to recognize and consider one’s own needs, self-confidence, and self-esteem belong to a sovereign personality. To a reasonable extent, these characteristics are neither harmful nor pathological. The quantity makes the poison.
The most negative characteristics of narcissists are often not recognized as such in the beginning. Only with time and more frequent contact, do they become visible. Narcissists do not want to be perceived as mean, violent, mean, malicious, ruthless, or sadistic people. That is why they also press their aggression into socially acceptable forms. Narcissists present themselves from their best side before they turn out to be such. They hide their true intentions behind the façade. And they are usually very good at that.
Narcissists have a disturbed relationship between altruism and egoism, respect and ruthlessness, sensibility and hypersensitivity, especially their sense of self-worth and external value is disturbed. Thus the importance of one’s person is completely overrated, while all other persons are largely meaningless. They overestimate themselves and derive an unrealistic claim to the world from it. They constantly seek admiration, but react hypersensitively to criticism they receive. Empathy towards other people is unfamiliar to them. They think that they are not attacking, but are convinced that they are rightfully defending themselves.
To make it easier for you to recognize narcissists, here is a list of 33 references to a narcissistic personality.
Be ready to listen a lot and very carefully. While narcissists prefer to talk about themselves, use your ability to read between the lines.
Expect a low frustration tolerance. Narcissists are hardly capable of criticism and if they express understanding for other people, then it is often only disguised and comes back to you later. Narcissists react very quickly with anger because it is frequently part of their strategy.
Be very specific with what you want. Offer as little leeway as possible for interpretations that can harm you.
Don’t let the show distract you from what you’re about. Narcissists like to impose their rules on their surroundings. So that you do not spend yourself on trivialities, clarify your needs and priorities well. Keep an eye on your goal for the conversation.
Without giving in, it helps to ignore some statements and to react objectively instead of emotionally. Narcissists want to destabilize through provocations and enforce the rules of the game.
Be aware of what your narcissistic interlocutor wants to achieve. Make it clear to him what his benefit is. Address the ego. The things that make narcissists so exhausting can also be used to steer them. Although narcissists themselves are extremely manipulative, their arrogance makes them comparatively easy to manipulate.
They’re not gonna make narcissists right for long anyway. You can be tolerated for a short time. You should not expect more.
Narcissists are constantly trying to prove that they are the best and greatest in the world. Even that is not enough for them. To appear even bigger, they don’t tolerate competition next to them. So every supposed competitor is fought. In case of doubt, the narcissist will preventively hurt competitors wherever he can. By devaluing other people, he wants to appear even bigger and more unique.
Make sure you have a good mental condition. This does not directly improve the conversation but reduces the risk of massive attacks. So smile as relaxed as possible and show a lot of patience without making involuntary concessions.
Opinions can change suddenly with narcissists and the whole effort is lost. Make agreements in writing. Write down everything you require so that you can use the protocols as needed. Narcissists are often very good at twisting things afterward. Therefore, you should confirm agreements in writing. You should not be surprised that you are not met with any sympathy for this.
Communication at eye level? Forget it!
Narcissists are never to blame if something goes wrong. And they find more or less creative surprising reasons why others are to blame for something. Don’t let them manipulate you!
What rules? Narcissists act in the illusion that rules do not apply to them. They, on the other hand, have rules for other people, which they regularly change for their purposes if necessary.
Protect your position and take care of yourself. Narcissists are eager to expand their power to impose rules on you.
Narcissists are very receptive to praise. Praise when it is appropriate, and the narcissist will treat you more kindly. Only he may not have the impression you are exerting influence thereby.
How dare you? Narcissists are perfect, they have no problems, and other people have problems. So why should a narcissist be grateful if you want to help him with his behavior? So don’t try to offer narcissists psychotherapy, otherwise, you’ll need help yourself soon.
Ask little, expect little. Narcissists are more likely to respond to requests than to demands or even threats. Especially the easily offended type reacts extremely allergic to pressure.
Direct accusations against narcissists usually end conversations immediately. Even narcissists react to harmless and cautious feedback as if they were harsh attacks. They react offended and insulted because it scratches their self-image. Then it rages internally and doesn’t calm down for a long time. The anger can lead however also easy to clear aggression.
To escape such unwelcome feedback, they like to surround themselves with submissive people, with flatterers who stabilize their illusions.
Narcissists have a good memory for perceived offenses. They won’t forget them for the rest of their lives, and they are looking for revenge. This can make narcissists very dangerous, even after a long time.
Apart from the negative emotions typical of narcissists, be vigilant when expressing emotions. Then I recommend caution. Narcissists are very good at pretending emotions when it serves their purposes. Body language is a means of manipulation for them.
You can submit to the narcissist with proven apologies, he will not make a serious apology. Narcissists do not make mistakes themselves.
Narcissists are anxious to make other people feel guilty. This unsettles other people, silences them, and makes them easier to manipulate. Despite the importance of self-reflection, be careful not to get self-doubt installed.
Are you happy about your success? Whether you have achieved something idealistic or material, narcissists react with envy. If you achieve something, you could distract the audience from the magnificence of the narcissist, and that will not be tolerated.
In your formulations, you can orientate yourself on non-violent communication, according to Marshall B. Rosenberg. The model helps to keep communication as peaceful as possible. Narcissists, however, always tend to find annoyance, even when there is none.
If you don’t make any progress on communications, you’d better adjourn. Don’t let tantrums force you to make promises. You would regret that later.
You also don’t have to make it unnecessarily easy for narcissists to have the last word. Maintain your quick-wittedness. Professional quick-wittedness tends to de-escalate and clearly shows limits, without a participant necessarily having to lose prestige.
The wrong form of quick-wittedness can, however, lead to lasting disturbances in the relationship.
This is the most important hint: communicate with narcissists when it is not necessary. The otherwise praiseworthy human endeavor to bring about improvement through communication has little chance of success here. With narcissists, you may expect to be insulted, insulted, and embarrassed. You fantasize, create confusion to distract you, and narcissists can become very aggressive so that you learn through pain to show the expected one-sided respect.
Prepare critical conversations carefully. If the conversation can have significant consequences, professional help is worthwhile. I have often helped to prepare for communication with narcissists. A lot of feedback reminds me of how good this helps. For legal aspects, please ask a lawyer.
Within certain limits, narcissists can be very helpful. Their assertiveness can also be used for good projects. But even then, the price that the environment pays must not be too high. Be careful!
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. To avoid their influence, it is helpful to recognize their tricks. In my articles, I deal with how you recognize the most common manipulation techniques and how you recognize manipulators.
Narcissists orient themselves on their benefit and are otherwise rather superficial. Do not expect unselfish interest that is not part of a selfish intention.
It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day. In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Typically, a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough. Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.
As much as I would like to - with the large number of requests I receive, I keep the amount of volunteer help at a feasible level.
If you want professional support (in the areas I offer and this does not include any legal advice), then we can make an appointment. Either you come to me in Berlin or we make a telephone session or use the Internet with video support. This has proven to be very successful. Thanks to a real-time bank transfer, it is also possible to book appointments at short notice. We can make an appointment first or even easier and faster; you book your session and as soon as the fee is received, we find the next available appointment.
If it is about the psychological effects, I offer therapeutic help for people suffering from narcissists and coaching for other issues. You can find the fees here. Please note the reduced fees for therapeutic assistance for people suffering from narcissistic abuse.
Not all sufferers have the financial means to do this, I know. You can then at least use the comment function to exchange information with other sufferers. Sometimes I also answer questions there, occasionally even beyond that. I am aware of the suffering that can result from contact with narcissists. However, the day has only 24h, and therefore I ask for an understanding of my procedures. I am aware of the suffering that often results from contact with narcissists. That is why I offer a free telephone consultation every first Monday of the month from 9:00 to 12:00 for initial impulses. Please use exclusively the telephone number +49 (0)30 864 213 65 for this purpose. Calls outside these hours and on other telephone numbers exclusively in the context of the professional support mentioned.
So: Questions that may also interest other people, please ask in the comments. Some topics are of a more private nature and I offer professional support for them. Let's have a direct conversation about this. If you are interested in support, for organizational questions and appointments you can reach me personally best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.de), conditionally also by phone +49 (0)30 864 213 65., mobile +49 (0)30 864 213 65.
Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?
More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.
You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.
Please post any questions that may be of interest to other readers in the comments. Looking for professional support?
If you are interested in coaching, training or consulting, if you have organizational questions, or if you want to make an appointment, you can reach me best via this contact form (you can choose if you want to enter your personal data) or via e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com). You can also reach me by phone at +49(0)30 864 213 68 or by cell phone at +49(0)1577 704 53 56 from Monday to Thursday from 9:00 to 18:00. Most of the time I am in sessions, so please leave a message with your phone number in Germany. Please remember to be very specific about the reason for your call. I will get back to you as soon as possible. The privacy policy can be found here.
Transparency is important. That is why you will find answers to frequently asked questions already here, for example about me (profile), the services, the fees and getting to know me. If you like what you see, I look forward to working with you.
Remarks:
In the address bar of your browser, the URL should begin with "https://www.karstennoack.com/...". This indicates a secure connection (SSL). Whether you enter your real name is up to you.
This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.
Published: January 2, 2012
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: October 1, 2021
Translation: ./.
German version: https://www.karstennoack.de/zu-ist-zuviel-umgang-mit-narzissten/
K:
H:
T: RR
#351377
Ask better questions, and as a result, you get better answers. Questions are the best way to gain more perspectives and develop more innovative solutions. Here are some recommendations for better questions because they lead to insights, creativity and excellent leadership.
Ask better questions, and as a result, you get better answers.
Karsten Noack
Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
Voltaire
22 ways asking better questions
A prudent question is one-half of wisdom.
Francis Bacon
It seems to be the most convenient way to delegate thinking to other people. At least it seems that some people have never heard of thinking, books, telephones, Wikipedia (external link), and the Internet.
Suggestive questions are intended as question techniques for active conversation. Interlocutors should be directed more or less elegantly in a certain direction. The underlying intentions are more or less well-meant. There is rarely a good answer to a suggestive question.
The form of a question has the potential to improve or worsen the relationship with other people. Unfortunately, the damage is often done unnecessarily. Those who exaggerate manipulative intentions often burden the effect of questions through their attitude. If the interviewer feels the attempt of an inappropriate manipulation, the relationship to the manipulator is burdened.
The basis of good questions is good listening. Unfortunately, this ability is too often underestimated.
Any question you ask should support your intentions. Questions can help you collect facts or explore the opinion of your conversational partner. Know what kind of information you need and formulate your questions accordingly.
If you ask too many questions in a short time, you rarely get good answers to all questions. This puts a strain on the recipients and puts them in a bad state. To summarize a series of questions in one sentence does not make this any better. It is better to ask one clear question after the other.
Plan your questions before your interview. Outline your goals and choose a series of questions that will help you conduct the conversation.
Some questions lead deeper into the problem and make it more difficult to find a solution if they are used excessively. Why questions are questions that easily lead to a dead end. Moreover, such questions are easily perceived as an interrogation situation. This leads to the interlocutors concentrating on justifying themselves.
Good questions promote good dialogue. In contrast to yes or no questions, open questions invite the respondent to speak in more detail. This way you can collect many more details. Open-ended questions encourage the person being asked to expand ideas and explore what is important to them or what they would like to reveal. Open questions show respect for the views of others because they do not lure people to a particular type of answer.
Use words and phrases that your listener understands and is familiar with. Rephrase if someone does not seem to understand what you are asking.
Most people feel comfortable when their opinions and abilities are valued. People feel comfortable when they help others. Help your conversation partner to feel good, ask for support.
Too often, questions sound like accusations and focus on the reasons why the person was not successful. This form of investigation puts the person in defensive mode and can change their answers.
After asking a question, wait for the answer, listen to the answer, and then wait. Be patient: Often the person you are asking has more information and will bring it out while you are waiting. You must be comfortable with the duration of this time of silence. People feel the need to fill the pauses in conversation, and often they will get out the critical piece of information you are looking for.
Be specific because most people read bad thoughts. Say what you want.
Don’t interrupt the person you’re talking with. When you interrupt someone, it tells them that you don’t appreciate them and what they say. Listen to the full answer to your question. The art of good questioning is to be interested and want the information contained in the answer.
People feel when you’re interested in them. Who wants to support selfish people? Don’t fake it, be interested!
Show that you appreciate the support you’re getting. If you do not appreciate other people’s time and effort, it is not very respectful and stresses the relationship.
With solution-oriented questions, the focus can be directed to possible solutions and the available resources. So-called systemic questions have proven to be particularly effective. Especially in deadlocked situations, they can work wonders.
Support other people. If you are interested in other people, you can find ways to help them. So other people are more likely to open up and share their thoughts.
Numerous question techniques have proven themselves in practice.
Questions are asked again and again to which, in the end, basically no answer is desired. An answer is, first, an answer. I may like the answer or not. What I do with it is another matter. However, if there is no willingness from the beginning to deal with the answer appropriately, then the question is harmful.
Practice, practice, practice. Your skills will improve over time. Remember that if you want good answers, they come from asking good questions.
Communication can be very easy. But often it is not. Sometimes we say things and then later notice from the reaction of our conversation partners that they seem to have spoken to someone completely different. I didn't say that with the best will in the world. - Or did I say that after all?
More or less consciously, conversations are about convincing other people of something - be it a special offer, your personality, a perspective, or a necessity. If this doesn't happen fast enough and above all not exactly to the point and descriptively, the person we are talking to quickly loses interest, and we lose the hoped-for opportunity. — Conversation failed.
You can let me support you in the preparation of your conversations and negotiations (to be on the safe side: no legal advice!). Find out how you and your message are perceived (arguments, body language, language, voice, and much more). I will familiarize you with effective tools and communication strategies. Develop your psychological skills, learn to stay calm, act confidently, remain authentic, and finally convince.
Please post any questions that may be of interest to other readers in the comments. Looking for professional support?
If you are interested in coaching, training or consulting, if you have organizational questions, or if you want to make an appointment, you can reach me best via this contact form (you can choose if you want to enter your personal data) or via e-mail (mail@karstennoack.com). You can also reach me by phone at +49(0)30 864 213 68 or by cell phone at +49(0)1577 704 53 56 from Monday to Thursday from 9:00 to 18:00. Most of the time I am in sessions, so please leave a message with your phone number in Germany. Please remember to be very specific about the reason for your call. I will get back to you as soon as possible. The privacy policy can be found here.
Transparency is important. That is why you will find answers to frequently asked questions already here, for example about me (profile), the services, the fees and getting to know me. If you like what you see, I look forward to working with you.
Remarks:
In the address bar of your browser, the URL should begin with "https://www.karstennoack.com/...". This indicates a secure connection (SSL). Whether you enter your real name is up to you.
This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.
Published: June 21, 2008
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: August 11, 2019
Translation: August 11, 2019
German version:
K:
H:
T: RR
#767
Narcissists are driven primarily by power, fame, and recognition. That’s not bad, right? If there weren’t so many people with narcissistic tendencies, there wouldn’t be many achievements and world records. However, we would not have to suffer from many disadvantages. As fascinating as narcissists may seem at first glance, they are in reality selfish and emotionally cold. Only their self-pity is boundless. Just the others make mistakes.
In the article, you will learn how to identify narcissists.
The more of the following indications are observable, the more likely narcissistic tendencies are present. But please do not exaggerate; everyone has traces of the following tendencies.
This article is not aimed at diagnosing pathological narcissists, but rather at avoiding nasty contemporaries and not being abused by them.
The self-esteem displayed seems inadequate in terms of personality, position, and experience. They claim a higher status than the environment wants to grant.
Narcissists are looking out for their advantage. As long as it gives them an advantage, they can appear nice and engaging. Once such people have reached their goal, this is over. Then it’s time for payback because narcissists have a good memory when it comes to taking revenge.
Very typical is arrogant behavior. The underlying need for superiority may be well hidden, but it drives narcissists. To achieve this longingly desired superiority, they will try to make their counterpart feel inferior. If you fall into the trap, you feel a little smaller, stupider, and more insignificant next to a narcissist.
For narcissists, everything they say and do is right simply because they say and do it. They expect that every utterance and action is accepted without hesitation as right and as the only truth.
Narcissists hurt other people without the slightest inhibition or remorse. This makes such people so attractive for unpleasant tasks and paves their way to higher positions.
Very often the need is expressed to exert influence and strive for quick success. They usually show they are striving for dominance quite openly. Their choice of words alone makes their claim obvious.
If it serves their purposes, they can disguise themselves for a while and even seem more submissive. All the more merciless is their behavior after such an unpleasant phase for them.
They don’t care about other people’s babble unless it’s compliments. Or they can exploit it for their purposes.
The wise guy can do everything, knows everything, …And attacks everyone who notices that it is not true.
Narcissists are trained to make an above-average first impression. As dazzlers, they invest a lot of effort to impress.
Deviousness, frequent attempts at manipulation, and control of the environment are very familiar to narcissists.
Compliments are requested, if necessary, with clear pressure instead of more gentle Fishing for Compliments. Otherwise, they rarely listen properly. Praise may be delivered without substance. Homages are accepted.
Even if they are richly endowed, it is still insufficient what they receive. The wonderful gift of God deserves more, much more.
Narcissists exert pressure. Charmingly and seemingly subtly, they manipulatively convey what they expect from their counterpart, without any possibility of discussion.
All men are equal, what a fallacy! The presence of a narcissist is a gift for the world around, ordinary people are an imposition. Those who do not realize this, thus only prove their stupidity.
Emotional topics are avoided. Emotions make people vulnerable, and that is the last thing narcissists want to be. If it gets too emotional, they quickly change the subject. Narcissists can certainly perceive the feelings and emotions of others. However, they are not interested in the emotional lives of other people to understand them better, but to gain an advantage from this knowledge.
Only the best is good enough for them. They live at a higher standard, even when their pockets are empty. Other people should limit themselves.
Narcissists aspire to degrees and titles, preferably also doctorates, from the Internet. Behind the façade, it often looks very disappointing.
Morale is only important in terms of not getting caught. Narcissists are even proud of it when they manage to get away with questionable behavior.
Me, me, me. Narcissists prefer to talk about themselves and their plans.
They talk to people instead of with them. The others, the audience, should listen.
Criticism is abundantly distributed, but not accepted.
Narcissists consider people who follow rules to be stupid.
Outstanding vanity is one of the defining characteristics. Narcissists want to be more beautiful than their surroundings, to be admired, and to be flawless. For this purpose, they make greater efforts and invest a great deal of money. Appearances are particularly important to them.
Empathy is faked at best. Typical is the lack of real sadness and other emotional involvement. As a result, narcissists are incapable of loving, feeling remorse, or guilt.
Although narcissists are often good actors, attentive observers can see that real emotions are conspicuously rare. However, it requires appropriate knowledge.
Apologies are expected from other people but not given, because mistakes are only made by others. If you want to upset narcissists and turn them against you, then contradict them. Criticism or even the most constructive feedback is not welcome. If you ignore this, you will soon feel the consequences.
They expect that other people will put their needs aside in their favor.
Narcissists are very keen on being admired by other people.
Narcissists envy others a lot and think they are envied themselves. Mirror, mirror on the wall, nobody is as great as the narcissist. To achieve this, narcissists do their utmost to outdo others in various disciplines. If an ignorant person is then so insolent and does not respect this claim, narcissists often react with envy and devalue the success of other people with malice and resentment.
Their topics are far more important than those of other people. This is why narcissists interrupt their less qualified people in their environment more frequently.
If an ignorant person is then so insolent and does not respect this claim, narcissists regularly react with envy and devalue the success of other people with malice and resentment.
Equipped with power, the narcissist turns out to be a tyrant. Illusions and prayers of thrust do not change this.
For their personal goals, narcissists unscrupulously exploit other people and show overall parasitic behavior in relationships.
The relationship with their children and grandchildren is special. Here, the typical characteristics of narcissists collide with parenthood and the selfish desire to make their mark on the offspring.
Narcissists avoid anything that reminds them that they may not always have everything in their lives under control. Therefore, they constantly try to demonstrate that they are setting the rules of the game. Exception: they can stage themselves as victims to gain advantages.
They also remind us more often, without being asked, that they are an immense enrichment for the world. Their grandiosity is almost unbearable. They are always better than other people. That is why they expect corresponding privileges that do justice to their outstanding importance.
Probably everyone has qualities in themselves that match narcissists. The quantity and combination make the toxicity.
Here, in a nutshell, a few hints that you are not a narcissist:
And, because it concerns so many people, I have dedicated a separate article about it: Help, am I a narcissist? 8 indications that you are not a narcissist
Narcissists may radiate charm and act quite nice at first glance. Many seem eloquent, humorous, self-confident and pull so the attention. But as good the first impression may be, it doesn’t lake long, and the narcissist unmasks himself as an egomaniac. With their self-indulgence and self-centeredness, they strain our nerves with their airs and graces. Most of the elaborate packaging is not worth the content, but it is away deceived vehemently. But the beautiful appearance is deceptive, and the facade collapses, all just for show. As long as can be found a few admirers, it proceeds. They certainly have their short-term entertainment value. Unfortunately, many deceived, so it is possible to get into positions where they can cause some damage to some narcissists.
The exaggerated desire for recognition and admiration caused by an impaired self-esteem. For such an ego, every stage is too small for that they could be shared . Where other people anyway have only one value ; as an admirer ! So renounce narcissists on empathy, and can be enjoyed on any form of feedback that is not understood as recognition.
It can be seen a great advantage such contemporaries early and a wide berth to make them. Now, it may be that a situation of you calls to communicate with a narcissist . Therefore, now here are some recommendations that sometimes save a few gray hairs.
It's urgent? Thanks to an immediate bank transfer, it is also possible to organize sessions at short notice, often even on the same day. In any case, you can orient yourself by reading the list with fees. Typically, a telephone call of 60 minutes is enough. Either you come to me in Berlin or we organize a telephone meeting or use the Internet with a video conferencing system. If you wish professional support for your decision-making, communication, or because you suffer emotionally from narcissists, then we can arrange an appointment.
As much as I would like to - with the large number of requests I receive, I keep the amount of volunteer help at a feasible level.
If you want professional support (in the areas I offer and this does not include any legal advice), then we can make an appointment. Either you come to me in Berlin or we make a telephone session or use the Internet with video support. This has proven to be very successful. Thanks to a real-time bank transfer, it is also possible to book appointments at short notice. We can make an appointment first or even easier and faster; you book your session and as soon as the fee is received, we find the next available appointment.
If it is about the psychological effects, I offer therapeutic help for people suffering from narcissists and coaching for other issues. You can find the fees here. Please note the reduced fees for therapeutic assistance for people suffering from narcissistic abuse.
Not all sufferers have the financial means to do this, I know. You can then at least use the comment function to exchange information with other sufferers. Sometimes I also answer questions there, occasionally even beyond that. I am aware of the suffering that can result from contact with narcissists. However, the day has only 24h, and therefore I ask for an understanding of my procedures. I am aware of the suffering that often results from contact with narcissists. That is why I offer a free telephone consultation every first Monday of the month from 9:00 to 12:00 for initial impulses. Please use exclusively the telephone number +49 (0)30 864 213 65 for this purpose. Calls outside these hours and on other telephone numbers exclusively in the context of the professional support mentioned.
So: Questions that may also interest other people, please ask in the comments. Some topics are of a more private nature and I offer professional support for them. Let's have a direct conversation about this. If you are interested in support, for organizational questions and appointments you can reach me personally best by e-mail (mail@karstennoack.de), conditionally also by phone +49 (0)30 864 213 65., mobile +49 (0)30 864 213 65.
This article is a short excerpt from the more comprehensive course materials my clients receive in a group or individual training or coaching.
Published: June 21, 2001
Author: Karsten Noack
Revision: August 14, 2019
Translation: ./.
German version:
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