If you are like most people, you probably don’t enjoy arguing that much.
It’s upsetting, and usually doesn’t resolve much, merely creating extra tension.
Conflicts are notoriously difficult to handle, and many people avoid arguing simply to avoid confronting their problems.
Of course, that also means they have to accept the way their life is going, because sometimes, if you don’t ask for something, you’ll never get it.

There are times when you need to argue, to get your point across and to be heard.
To know how to argue effectively can mean the difference between a useful, informative exchange, which leads to a resolution, and an undignified screaming match.

The art of effective arguing is a skill learnt over time, and, all too often, it’s something we have to learn the hard way.
Most of us didn’t learn it at home, or at school.
But you’ll need to practice it every once in a while, in order to master the skill.

If you want to know more, start with the following list of effective argument tactics that will help you perfect your arguing style.

As with everything in life, effective arguing requires a goal.
If you don’t know what you want to get out of the argument, you will end up arguing in circles, and never get anywhere.
Whether it is a raise at work, or a private issue like more help with the housework; know your goal.

Before you even engage the person, or people, that you need to argue with, figure out exactly what the ideal resolution to your argument is, and start from there.

If you are not absolutely sure about your goal, you will be more likely to venture off the track, be drawn into petty fights, or settle for less than you are willing to.
Stick to the facts, keep your eye on the goal, and don’t allow yourself to be drawn off topic.

Make sure you know your facts.
If you’re arguing for example for a raise, gather proof that you are going above and beyond the call of duty, and are an asset to the company. Simulate the conversation and optimize it with an expert.

When gathering evidence, or information that you will use in your argument, be as specific as possible.
For example, as well as mentioning that you met the objectives set, also comment on specific projects.
Doing it this way makes it sound a lot more convincing than a general statement that you have earnt the promotion.
Facts and figures are the cornerstone of your argument, so have them ready for the moment you need them!

Take some time to concentrate, and figure out exactly what it is that supports your argument best.
If necessary and possible, get documented proof.
That way, when you argue, and someone denies everything, you will have proof to back up your argument.
If your argument is valid, there must be some proof, so make sure you have it in your arsenal.

Write down what you want to say.
You don't have to do it word for word, but prepare your reasoning by writing it down.
Some don't like the extra effort but I learned with so many clients how helpful that is.

Figure out what you are going to say, what evidence you are going to use, and how you are going to raise the issue that will lead you to your goal.
To know what you are going to say and to structure it before you go into an argument will help you stick to the facts.
That way you will reach a satisfactory resolution quicker and easier than just throwing random information out there, in the hopes that something will work.

If the desired outcome is worth it, prepare and write down your ideas.
In the next step write down the possible responses to your arguments.
Think of all the possible counter arguments your arguments may provoke, and find a valid, concrete answer for them.
It helps to practice your arguments with an expert, or even in front of the mirror, to give yourself a rehearsal.

You might be someone who avoids conflict.
Someone who would like to say something, but who keeps it all bottled up inside.
Of course, there are two possible outcomes for that: one, you keep it in for good, quietly seething to yourself, becoming resentful and angry.
The second possibility is that you can’t keep it in, and you lose it one day, screaming, shouting, quitting your job, or similarly catastrophic results.

None of these results is helpful to getting what you want.
It is much better to argue smart, make your preparations, and give yourself a better chance to get what you want.
The whole point of an argument is to convince the other party that your point of view is correct, or at least to reach an amicable compromise.

If you feel strongly enough about anything, eventually you are going to have to speak your mind.
Make sure that you state your case as eloquently and succinctly as possible, while still raising all the points you believe are relevant, and presenting the evidence you feel should be considered.

Most of the time we are sure that we have the only valid point of view.
But, there may also be valid points from the opposing side as well as yours.

Take care to listen and consider other persons perspectives, rather than single-mindedly refusing to accept the possibility that someone else’s opinion may also have merit.

Listening to others is also just plain good manners, and since you’re arguing because you want something, you’d be well served to be respectful and maintain politeness; showing your opponent that you value their input.
Remember the saying; do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If you are not prepared to listen, or to compromise, or consider other opinions, what you’re aiming for is not an argument.
It’s a dictatorship.
You have to consider the views of others on their merit, in order to achieve your goals, so force yourself to pay attention.
You might even find that they suggest a better resolution than you hoped for, or even thought of before.

If the person you are arguing with raises valid points, you need to address them logically.
This is where the preparation pays off.
If you’ve gathered your information correctly, and your thinking is sound, you should have an argument that is up to the challenge.
If, however, the points they have raised make sense to you, you may need to rethink your goal, or at least be willing to negotiate.

Remember, if you don’t have a suitable response, you may not have thought through your argument enough.
If you find yourself at a loss to explain your position, you may want to draw back, rethink your position, and try again another day.

Raised voices, insults and accusations are the fastest ways to take a potentially valuable argument from useful to embarrassing or even allow it to morph into an undignified brawl.

Make sure that you keep your tone of voice, and body language respectful, and never use foul language or threatening gestures to try and make a point.
In fact, if you are angry or upset, rather avoid the argument, and make an appointment to discuss the matter later.

Often, you will find that people will try to draw you in to a fight to distract you from the main point.
If you remain calm, focus on the goal, and refuse to be baited, eventually, they will have to discuss the matter with you rationally.

If you’ve ever watched a court room drama, you’ll know that lawyers rarely ever get emotional in court.
That’s exactly what you want to aim for – calm, detached presentation of the facts, followed by debate, negotiation, and eventually, hopefully, a resolution you can both live with.

When arguing, try to use statements like “I feel ...” or “I’ve noticed ...” to describe your feelings or events.
Say it from your perspective with a judgment.
Nothing gets people’s back up as quickly as being accused of something.
As a result they tend to defend themselves and the situation becomes even more personal.

If you concentrate on always starting your sentences with "I", make clear that this is about your feelings, rather than with something they have done, or failed to do.
Consider the difference between the statements “I feel ...” and “You don’t ....”.

Keep your observations to your own experience, and leave the assumptions out of the picture. Make sure you present your opinions, but do so in a way that respects your opponents right to their own.
You’re aiming to find middle ground here – not make an enemy for life!

Be aware of your body language.
As human beings we communicate not only with words but also with facial expressions and the positioning of the body.
Body language, as much as words, can lead an argument quickly into a fight.
Avoid crossing your arms, maintain a suitable distance, avoid getting into your opponent’s personal space, and never use gestures such as finger pointing.
Likewise, nothing is likely to infuriate your opponent as quickly as rolling your eyes, or an elaborate sigh.
Unless you’re looking for a fight, your body language, gestures and tone should be respectful at all times.

Then again, if you’re arguing for something, you also want to present the image that you are confident that you are correct.
Showing signs of nervousness, stress or anxiety, like wringing your hands, or playing with your hair, can betray that nervousness, and may lead to someone, like your boss, picking up on and using that nervousness to their advantage, with the result that you lose the argument.

Aim for impassive, relaxed body language.
If you can, stand when you address someone who is seated, which puts you at a physical height advantage, and therefore a mental position of power.
The more calm and logical you look, the more likely you are to achieve more in your argument.
Keep your hands still, make eye contact, and avoid excessive displays of emotion.

Prepare: A statement can be construed to mean entirely different things depending upon the body language used.
Be aware of this, and do not let your body language contradict your words. Practice your argument in front of someone (at best an expert of body language) who is asked to concentrate on your body language.
You might be surprised at some of the comments you receive.

When we argue, we have an ideal outcome in mind.
A raise of 1.000 Euros, for example.
However, we usually also have a minimum that we’re willing to accept. Maybe 800 Euros would be satisfactory.
For now.
Perhaps you are willing to consider something else instead of money like a company car or an interesting further education.

Make sure you know, before you even start the argument, where your fallback position is.
What is the minimum you’re willing to settle for.
That way, even if your ideal position is rejected, you have some room to negotiate.
A compromise can be better than losing it all

If your opponent won’t even raise their suggestions for a solution that meet your minimum requirement, you’re probably fighting a losing battle, and looking for other solutions may be your best course of action.
Once you know where you draw the line, you’ll know when to cut your losses, stop fighting a losing battle, and move on to more productive pursuits.

Of course, there is a high chance, in any argument, that your opponent will surprise you, suggest something you’d never considered, or raise an argument or rebuttal you’d never thought of.
Be willing to consider any options, arguments or statements that your opponent may raise, and remember, just because you’ve started the argument, put the matter on the table, and raised the question, does not mean you need to finish it in one session.

If need be, withdraw, schedule another appointment, rethink your argument, strategy and goal, and try again.
After all, your goal is worth it, isn’t it?
Remember the saying; Rome wasn’t built in a day.